One of the other questions which was raised for discussion was how do we then teach children to behave if we want to beware making them legalists or facilitating their living a double life?
We know from our own hearts that we find it easier to change behaviour in ourselves rather than analysing and dealing with our hearts. We should therefore expect to find the same when it comes to our children.
Firstly it is right that we discipline our children, they do need to learn how to live in a society where they know that they are loved but are aware that they are not the centre of the universe. So we will discipline our children for behaviour that is not loving to others and for behaviour that is not acceptable. But our discipline will not stop there, it will take time to analyse what was the motivation behind the action and to think about how to help the child see that. It may not happen immediately but that will be our long term goal - to help the child see their own heart for what it is and to understand and therefore treasure what the gospel says.
As parents we need to be continually drip feeding this perspective in to our children's lives. It is why family worship (I don't really like that term but...) is so important in what ever way you do it, whether it is reading the bible together as a family or reading it with your children on their own. But key to maximising the potential of this is using the bible in the way it was intended to be used. It was made to be listened to and acted upon, as we read the bible with our children we need to teach them how to use it to examine their own hearts, to see the wonder of the gospel of Jesus, and to recognise the amazing gift of the Spirit who calls us to walk where he plants his steps as he changes our hearts.
As parents our job is to give children this toolkit, so when they are younger we will use the toolkit to show them their sin and the battle that is waged in their hearts, which is evidenced in their actions and words, and point them to Jesus. As they get older we will facilitate and encourage them to use the toolkit themselves, modelling for them what it looks like as they see us fight sin, treasure Jesus and change from the heart out.
So we will discipline, but we will discipline as part of a larger way of living which applies the gospel to hearts, both ours and theirs.
Showing posts with label Godly parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Godly parenting. Show all posts
Tuesday, 19 March 2013
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Gospel parenting and idols
Following on from LightHouse on the Gospel and Parenting we had a question time. One of the questions asked was about how we can help our children unmask their idols.
It's a great question, in any focus on the heart we need to be both ripping down and replacing. But how do we spot what our children's idols are? One default idol for most children is their parents praise, it is natural that they would want our approval and love so how do we ensure it doesn't become an idol, what they treasure above everything? As parents we need to show our children that we are not perfect, not by deliberately messing up, but by allowing them to play a role in our heart change to be more like Jesus. We must invite our children to see our sin and when appropriate even to confront us with it as they grow up in a way that is loving. the challenge is to build in opportunities in everyday life when this is appropriate.
That is why family devotions and discussion about what we have studied in church are so important. It models that we take the bible seriously and are wanting to change ourselves, that we haven't arrived or are perfect. It also helps children sin that we are accepted in Jesus and so loved by God that we can come to him and know real lasting liberating forgiveness. This will all help free children from wanting an unhealthy level of parental approval.
Another way to spot our children's idols is by examining our own hearts and unmasking our own idols. Discipleship happens as we live life with our children and they will spot what we value, what we treasure and what we live for and assume that is the right way to live. Therefore we will transmit our idols to our children, knowing these will help us with our children, as will rooting them out and replacing them with Christ.
It's a great question, in any focus on the heart we need to be both ripping down and replacing. But how do we spot what our children's idols are? One default idol for most children is their parents praise, it is natural that they would want our approval and love so how do we ensure it doesn't become an idol, what they treasure above everything? As parents we need to show our children that we are not perfect, not by deliberately messing up, but by allowing them to play a role in our heart change to be more like Jesus. We must invite our children to see our sin and when appropriate even to confront us with it as they grow up in a way that is loving. the challenge is to build in opportunities in everyday life when this is appropriate.
That is why family devotions and discussion about what we have studied in church are so important. It models that we take the bible seriously and are wanting to change ourselves, that we haven't arrived or are perfect. It also helps children sin that we are accepted in Jesus and so loved by God that we can come to him and know real lasting liberating forgiveness. This will all help free children from wanting an unhealthy level of parental approval.
Another way to spot our children's idols is by examining our own hearts and unmasking our own idols. Discipleship happens as we live life with our children and they will spot what we value, what we treasure and what we live for and assume that is the right way to live. Therefore we will transmit our idols to our children, knowing these will help us with our children, as will rooting them out and replacing them with Christ.
Monday, 11 March 2013
The Gospel and Parenting - Colossians 3:20-21
Here are the notes from last nights LightHouse, I'll blog some of the questions we thought about later in the week:
1. What are your hopes and dreams for your children?
2. What most influences the way you parent?
There is no silver bullet, you won't leave here with the secret to perfect parenting or with a programme of behaviour management to put in place which will make you the perfect parent of perfect children. But what we are going to think about is how the gospel transforms first us and therefore because it transforms us how it transforms our parenting. What Paul does in Colossians is get to our hearts and our identity because we parent out of our hearts and our identity. As we realise how the gospel transforms us then we will parent differently.
As with marriage these instructions flow out of the rest of the letter. Paul is encouraging the Colossians to see who they are in Christ; that God has given them, and us, everything they need to live out the gospel and how that affects every area of life, including parenting.
The Gospel means our parenting is concerned with heart change not behaviour modification
There are lots of theories in our society about how to bring up your children, how best to discipline, how best to mould character from Gina Ford to Supernanny. But as those who are in Christ we need to examine all these theories through what God teaches us about ourselves, our children, our world and our future. We need to weigh up and analyse our assumptions and what we have learned about parenting and run it through a gospel filter, there are good things there which will be helpful butwe need to weigh them up alongside what God says.
There are a number of ways we learn to parent, primarily we parent as we were parented either by default or in reaction against how we were parented. We watch others who we respect, absorb the ideas of the culture around us, or parent out of our personality and pragmatism - depending on teh situation. None of us comes to parenting with a blank canvas on which we plan our parenting.
The context for these instructions is (1-17)which examines the distinctive identity of Jesus’ followers. As Gospel people we are changed, transformed, and are to be continually undergoing change and transformation. We are continually applying and reapplying grace to our lives cooperating with the Holy Spirit to change. That applies not just as gospel people but as gospel parents, it must affect us and our desires for our children.
Worldly models of behaviour and childhood studies may have helpful things to say but fundamentally they are flawed because they deal with behaviour not the heart. But in the gospel God gives us a much more robust framework with which to understand ourselves as parents and our children. We live in a broken world where sin is a present reality and influences us all. Sin in our hearts leads us to battle for our kingdom as we want it just as it leads our children to battle for their kingdom the way they want it. And sin exerts powerful pressures on both us and our children; tiredness, illness, bereavement, frustration, fear, all part of living in a broken world and all influences on us and our children.
But fundamentally the gospel doesn’t leave us at the mercy of sin and helpless in the face of it but calls us to realise our new identity, as those renewed and recreated in Christ. Just look at(1) and we see the magnitude of what that means for us. “Since then you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” Just notice the scope of the gospel transformation, it affects our hearts, our desires and transforms our thinking. We are those who know God in Christ through the Spirit and who want our children to know that too.
That reality, that identity has to inform our parenting. That means we mustn’t settle for behaviour modification but go deeper and expose the heart, both ours and our children’s. Our primary concern must be to see our children come to know Christ and to change at a heart level.
Behavioural change without heart change will simply produce little legalists, or children with a split personality where they behave one way on Sunday and at home and another at school or with friends. So as our children react with anger or selfishness or whatever we want to try to examine with them where that has come from, to see how their story fits into God’s gospel story.
One of our problems with this is that it is out of our control. We cannot change our children’s hearts but we can modify their behaviour through punishment and reward. Now I am not saying there is no need to do that, we do need to teach our children how to love and care for others, we do need to teach them how to behave, that they are to love others in teh way they treat them. But fundamentally we need to go deeper just as Jesus did to show them their sin and point them to Jesus as their Saviour and their identity and who gives them everything they need to change. We need to help our children wage spiritual warfare just as we help one another do so.
We must also pray, God alone can change hearts, God alone can save our children. And we need to realise that God is for our children he loves them more than we do and he doesn't give us an impossible task, he equips us for it.
We are making disciples not rearing children
That means our children need to see us dealing with our hearts too. This change in Colossians 3, this putting to death of the old self and putting on the new clothes is not something to be done in private it’s a community project. Our heart change, our transformation in the gospel happens not in isolation but in church, in families, in marriages. Our children must see us grappling with our sinful hearts, confessing our failures, our battles with the kingdom of self, and our turning again to Christ for grace and help.
(12-17)Are the marks of gospel living, we are to be kind, compassionate, humble gentle and patient, bearing with one another, quick to forgive and to show the grace we have been shown, ready to love at full stretch and live at peace, to be thankful to God and to have the gospel at work among us as we teach, train and sing it to one another, dealing with one another’s hearts. That is not just a picture of what happens when we are in church but Paul draws that down into the home; that should characterise our homes.
The assumption here is that children will see that ongoing heart change as a result of the power and grace of God, it is the backdrop against which they grow up and naturally they will be invited to share in that. If they don’t see us changing, dealing with our hearts, treasuring God’s word, being thankful, repenting of our sin, valuing God’s people they will rightly conclude that the gospel is irrelevant to everyday life and to them. In fcat God gifts us our children to help us change, to show us our hearts and to apply grace to us and the gospel liberates us to accept that from them with thanks.
The first step to discipling our children and dealing with their hearts is to deal with our own. How is your heart? How are you changing? If we were to ask our children how the gospel affects our homes what would they say?
One of the scariest verses in the bible is Matt 23:15 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hyprocrits! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and then you make that convert twice as much a child of hell as you are.”
We all make disciples, the question is what sort of disciples are we making? We must be dealing with our hearts, treasuring the gospel being changed by it if we want that for our children.
The best thing we can do for our children is to be concerned for our hearts, to be changing and inviting them to help us change.
Gospel Parenting requires a Church
I want you to notice something here that we might easily miss, raising a child takes a church. All of Paul’s instructions assume the families’ place in church, as part of a gospel community which loves, cares, forgives, welcomes, doesn’t judge, supports and gospels one another. These instructions don’t suddenly become private, raising a child takes a church family. As families in church we are not on show, we are not trying to impress, or win awards as parent of the year. The church is the God given context in which our parenting and growing as a child happens because it is the place where we love and encourage and share. We must be part of the church family, we must not allow our children to be on the fringe of church.
One of the most distinctive things here is that Paul addresses who? (20)The children directly. Paul expects children to be being directly taught this instruction, to be hearing this teaching read aloud to them. He values children as part of the church, people who can be discipled and understand the gospel and be putting to death and clothing themselves and people who can serve. Paul wants them to be changed by the gospel just as adults are and assumes it will be happening in church.
We must have the same view as Paul, children are a part of the church and they need to be taught the gospel and its implications and given opportunities to serve just as the adults are. We must teach children the gospel and deal with their hearts on Sunday, and in the home and family, we must be looking to encourage them and disciple them as we do others. We mustn't teach the childrenm moralism or nice stories whilst we teach the gospel to the hearst of adults.
We must look to build relationships with them and as parents give them opportunities to be building relationships with other children and adults within church. And Paul assumes that the gospel will change their hearts empowering them by the Spirit to obey their parents in everything, not as behaviour modification but as a result of being in Christ and empowered by the Spirit.
(21)Paul turns to fathers because in first century Roman culture the father was responsible for educating and disciplining children, but this to all parents. Paul is clear as parents transformed and being changed by the gospel at work in our hearts our parenting will be different. “do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” That word embitter means to demean, belittle, deride or nag. That means we are not to try to live our failed dreams through them, or provoke them by belittling them or by being harsh or unreasonable with them. We are not to be impossible to please, neither are we to keep harping on about past failures, or parent comparatively with a sibling or other child, we ought not to set unreasonable expectations for our children, or seek to bolster our esteem or standing as a parent through requiring them to behave a certain way or do certain things.
What will happen to them if we do? “they will become discouraged” they will lose heart. They will conclude they are not loved, welcomed, forgiven, treasured, valued. In short we fail to love as we have been loved. We will fail to model the gospel and the loving grace of God the Father who has not set unrealistic expectations on us. And they will conclude that our Saviour and his grace stands for little. That if their father isn't open handed and hearted them God the Father isn't either. If they do not see us confessing our failures and asking them for forgiveness when we sin they will conclude that sin is not serious and their hearts will become hardened.
Our parenting needs to begin by being concerned with our hearts. Change is the result of our hearts transformation by the grace of Jesus Christ as it comes to rule our hearts.
1. What are your hopes and dreams for your children?
2. What most influences the way you parent?
There is no silver bullet, you won't leave here with the secret to perfect parenting or with a programme of behaviour management to put in place which will make you the perfect parent of perfect children. But what we are going to think about is how the gospel transforms first us and therefore because it transforms us how it transforms our parenting. What Paul does in Colossians is get to our hearts and our identity because we parent out of our hearts and our identity. As we realise how the gospel transforms us then we will parent differently.
As with marriage these instructions flow out of the rest of the letter. Paul is encouraging the Colossians to see who they are in Christ; that God has given them, and us, everything they need to live out the gospel and how that affects every area of life, including parenting.
The Gospel means our parenting is concerned with heart change not behaviour modification
There are lots of theories in our society about how to bring up your children, how best to discipline, how best to mould character from Gina Ford to Supernanny. But as those who are in Christ we need to examine all these theories through what God teaches us about ourselves, our children, our world and our future. We need to weigh up and analyse our assumptions and what we have learned about parenting and run it through a gospel filter, there are good things there which will be helpful butwe need to weigh them up alongside what God says.
There are a number of ways we learn to parent, primarily we parent as we were parented either by default or in reaction against how we were parented. We watch others who we respect, absorb the ideas of the culture around us, or parent out of our personality and pragmatism - depending on teh situation. None of us comes to parenting with a blank canvas on which we plan our parenting.
The context for these instructions is (1-17)which examines the distinctive identity of Jesus’ followers. As Gospel people we are changed, transformed, and are to be continually undergoing change and transformation. We are continually applying and reapplying grace to our lives cooperating with the Holy Spirit to change. That applies not just as gospel people but as gospel parents, it must affect us and our desires for our children.
Worldly models of behaviour and childhood studies may have helpful things to say but fundamentally they are flawed because they deal with behaviour not the heart. But in the gospel God gives us a much more robust framework with which to understand ourselves as parents and our children. We live in a broken world where sin is a present reality and influences us all. Sin in our hearts leads us to battle for our kingdom as we want it just as it leads our children to battle for their kingdom the way they want it. And sin exerts powerful pressures on both us and our children; tiredness, illness, bereavement, frustration, fear, all part of living in a broken world and all influences on us and our children.
But fundamentally the gospel doesn’t leave us at the mercy of sin and helpless in the face of it but calls us to realise our new identity, as those renewed and recreated in Christ. Just look at(1) and we see the magnitude of what that means for us. “Since then you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things. For you died and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” Just notice the scope of the gospel transformation, it affects our hearts, our desires and transforms our thinking. We are those who know God in Christ through the Spirit and who want our children to know that too.
That reality, that identity has to inform our parenting. That means we mustn’t settle for behaviour modification but go deeper and expose the heart, both ours and our children’s. Our primary concern must be to see our children come to know Christ and to change at a heart level.
Behavioural change without heart change will simply produce little legalists, or children with a split personality where they behave one way on Sunday and at home and another at school or with friends. So as our children react with anger or selfishness or whatever we want to try to examine with them where that has come from, to see how their story fits into God’s gospel story.
One of our problems with this is that it is out of our control. We cannot change our children’s hearts but we can modify their behaviour through punishment and reward. Now I am not saying there is no need to do that, we do need to teach our children how to love and care for others, we do need to teach them how to behave, that they are to love others in teh way they treat them. But fundamentally we need to go deeper just as Jesus did to show them their sin and point them to Jesus as their Saviour and their identity and who gives them everything they need to change. We need to help our children wage spiritual warfare just as we help one another do so.
We must also pray, God alone can change hearts, God alone can save our children. And we need to realise that God is for our children he loves them more than we do and he doesn't give us an impossible task, he equips us for it.
We are making disciples not rearing children
That means our children need to see us dealing with our hearts too. This change in Colossians 3, this putting to death of the old self and putting on the new clothes is not something to be done in private it’s a community project. Our heart change, our transformation in the gospel happens not in isolation but in church, in families, in marriages. Our children must see us grappling with our sinful hearts, confessing our failures, our battles with the kingdom of self, and our turning again to Christ for grace and help.
(12-17)Are the marks of gospel living, we are to be kind, compassionate, humble gentle and patient, bearing with one another, quick to forgive and to show the grace we have been shown, ready to love at full stretch and live at peace, to be thankful to God and to have the gospel at work among us as we teach, train and sing it to one another, dealing with one another’s hearts. That is not just a picture of what happens when we are in church but Paul draws that down into the home; that should characterise our homes.
The assumption here is that children will see that ongoing heart change as a result of the power and grace of God, it is the backdrop against which they grow up and naturally they will be invited to share in that. If they don’t see us changing, dealing with our hearts, treasuring God’s word, being thankful, repenting of our sin, valuing God’s people they will rightly conclude that the gospel is irrelevant to everyday life and to them. In fcat God gifts us our children to help us change, to show us our hearts and to apply grace to us and the gospel liberates us to accept that from them with thanks.
The first step to discipling our children and dealing with their hearts is to deal with our own. How is your heart? How are you changing? If we were to ask our children how the gospel affects our homes what would they say?
One of the scariest verses in the bible is Matt 23:15 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hyprocrits! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and then you make that convert twice as much a child of hell as you are.”
We all make disciples, the question is what sort of disciples are we making? We must be dealing with our hearts, treasuring the gospel being changed by it if we want that for our children.
The best thing we can do for our children is to be concerned for our hearts, to be changing and inviting them to help us change.
Gospel Parenting requires a Church
I want you to notice something here that we might easily miss, raising a child takes a church. All of Paul’s instructions assume the families’ place in church, as part of a gospel community which loves, cares, forgives, welcomes, doesn’t judge, supports and gospels one another. These instructions don’t suddenly become private, raising a child takes a church family. As families in church we are not on show, we are not trying to impress, or win awards as parent of the year. The church is the God given context in which our parenting and growing as a child happens because it is the place where we love and encourage and share. We must be part of the church family, we must not allow our children to be on the fringe of church.
One of the most distinctive things here is that Paul addresses who? (20)The children directly. Paul expects children to be being directly taught this instruction, to be hearing this teaching read aloud to them. He values children as part of the church, people who can be discipled and understand the gospel and be putting to death and clothing themselves and people who can serve. Paul wants them to be changed by the gospel just as adults are and assumes it will be happening in church.
We must have the same view as Paul, children are a part of the church and they need to be taught the gospel and its implications and given opportunities to serve just as the adults are. We must teach children the gospel and deal with their hearts on Sunday, and in the home and family, we must be looking to encourage them and disciple them as we do others. We mustn't teach the childrenm moralism or nice stories whilst we teach the gospel to the hearst of adults.
We must look to build relationships with them and as parents give them opportunities to be building relationships with other children and adults within church. And Paul assumes that the gospel will change their hearts empowering them by the Spirit to obey their parents in everything, not as behaviour modification but as a result of being in Christ and empowered by the Spirit.
(21)Paul turns to fathers because in first century Roman culture the father was responsible for educating and disciplining children, but this to all parents. Paul is clear as parents transformed and being changed by the gospel at work in our hearts our parenting will be different. “do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.” That word embitter means to demean, belittle, deride or nag. That means we are not to try to live our failed dreams through them, or provoke them by belittling them or by being harsh or unreasonable with them. We are not to be impossible to please, neither are we to keep harping on about past failures, or parent comparatively with a sibling or other child, we ought not to set unreasonable expectations for our children, or seek to bolster our esteem or standing as a parent through requiring them to behave a certain way or do certain things.
What will happen to them if we do? “they will become discouraged” they will lose heart. They will conclude they are not loved, welcomed, forgiven, treasured, valued. In short we fail to love as we have been loved. We will fail to model the gospel and the loving grace of God the Father who has not set unrealistic expectations on us. And they will conclude that our Saviour and his grace stands for little. That if their father isn't open handed and hearted them God the Father isn't either. If they do not see us confessing our failures and asking them for forgiveness when we sin they will conclude that sin is not serious and their hearts will become hardened.
Our parenting needs to begin by being concerned with our hearts. Change is the result of our hearts transformation by the grace of Jesus Christ as it comes to rule our hearts.
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
Faith and the family
Its often said that our families are those who know us best, they are the ones who see our flaws and our faith up close and personal, for those of us who are parents I think that ought to cause us to stop and think about some of the dangers this poses in terms of our children and the gospel. The gospel is caught as well as taught, in fact I think primarily it is taught as it is caught - our children will see how the gospel impacts our lives and it will help determine their reaction to it.
Here are some of the dangers we face as parents:
1. Disconnect between public and private faith. If we are one thing with others and another at home our children will conclude that is OK, that it is normal. Or that the gospel can't change and is therefore irrelevant to them.
2. A failure to answer the whys. Our boys are always asking why questions - some just get silly, like why is a frog called a frog? Or repetitive when every answer is met by another why. But some of the whys need answering - why do we parent differently, why do we read the bible, why do we give, why do we give thanks to God for our food. And the answers we give must be honest and not legalistic - we don't pray, read, give because God says so, we do those things because we love our Father as his children love the things he loves - we want to bring God glory.
3. A personal love for the bible. We must not just read it with them (notice the assumption here!!!) but be reading it for ourselves and talk to them about what we read. Do we share with our children what is exciting us, challenging us, encouraging us at the moment from the very word of God?
4. A private love for prayer. As with bible reading we must not just pray with our children, but we must relate to God by talking to our heavenly father ourselves all the time, and our children should catch that it is just a natural response, and an immediate response not a delayed one.
5. Repentance in action. Often those we love and are closest to see us at our most sinful. Our children see us sin but do they see us repent? There are times we need to ask our children for their forgiveness and pray to God modelling the need to change and our love of our saviour and desire to please our Father.
6. Commitment to God's people. The church is an amazing and multi-splendoured thing but how do our children think we think about it? Ephesians 2 gives us an amazing picture of the price God paid to reconcile his people and create the church, if we do not hold God's people in the same regard God does and commit to them in the same way then our children will conclude the gospel cannot change us, it is not that important and is not worth committing to. Those real relationships are observed and speak volumes for the gospel.
7. Commitment to our children. What our children need is to see us as parents grappling with the gospel, continually rubbing grace into our lives, dealing with our sin, living out our reconciled relationships and loving God and pursuing his glory. What our children need is parents with our hearts on fire for God.
But we can't manufacture that, we can pray for it, we can increase our appetite for God by studying his word, and we can encourage others to pray that for us, as we understand the character and gospel of God we will by God's Spirit through his word see our hearts set aflame.
Here are some of the dangers we face as parents:
1. Disconnect between public and private faith. If we are one thing with others and another at home our children will conclude that is OK, that it is normal. Or that the gospel can't change and is therefore irrelevant to them.
2. A failure to answer the whys. Our boys are always asking why questions - some just get silly, like why is a frog called a frog? Or repetitive when every answer is met by another why. But some of the whys need answering - why do we parent differently, why do we read the bible, why do we give, why do we give thanks to God for our food. And the answers we give must be honest and not legalistic - we don't pray, read, give because God says so, we do those things because we love our Father as his children love the things he loves - we want to bring God glory.
3. A personal love for the bible. We must not just read it with them (notice the assumption here!!!) but be reading it for ourselves and talk to them about what we read. Do we share with our children what is exciting us, challenging us, encouraging us at the moment from the very word of God?
4. A private love for prayer. As with bible reading we must not just pray with our children, but we must relate to God by talking to our heavenly father ourselves all the time, and our children should catch that it is just a natural response, and an immediate response not a delayed one.
5. Repentance in action. Often those we love and are closest to see us at our most sinful. Our children see us sin but do they see us repent? There are times we need to ask our children for their forgiveness and pray to God modelling the need to change and our love of our saviour and desire to please our Father.
6. Commitment to God's people. The church is an amazing and multi-splendoured thing but how do our children think we think about it? Ephesians 2 gives us an amazing picture of the price God paid to reconcile his people and create the church, if we do not hold God's people in the same regard God does and commit to them in the same way then our children will conclude the gospel cannot change us, it is not that important and is not worth committing to. Those real relationships are observed and speak volumes for the gospel.
7. Commitment to our children. What our children need is to see us as parents grappling with the gospel, continually rubbing grace into our lives, dealing with our sin, living out our reconciled relationships and loving God and pursuing his glory. What our children need is parents with our hearts on fire for God.
But we can't manufacture that, we can pray for it, we can increase our appetite for God by studying his word, and we can encourage others to pray that for us, as we understand the character and gospel of God we will by God's Spirit through his word see our hearts set aflame.
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Distinctive Gospel parenting
On Sunday we were looking at Luke 18 and the account of Jesus meeting with the Rich Young Ruler who despite having lived a good life Jesus identifies as having an idol problem. Whilst he has loved others his struggle is in loving God above his money - as Jesus speaks to the man he says sell all you have, then come and follow me. The man cannot do both, he has to decide - either God and the kingdom is his number one desire of his stuff is. Tragically the man goes away sad!
One of the issues we were thinking about was what our idols are and it bought up the whole issue of gospel parenting - can we as believers love our children too much? And how do we know whether we have gospel love for our children or idolatrous love for our children.
The bible would affirm that we as parents should love our children, Jesus says that we know how to give good gifts to our children - presuming we love them. In Deuteronomy we see commands given to parents concerning their children and throughout the Old Testament there is a sense of parents needing to love and lead their children. It is right and godly that we love our children they are a gift from God to us.
But as with all good things they can become an ultimate things, they can become idols. So how do we love our children in a distinctive gospel way?
Partly this involves what it is we most want for our children. Distinctive gospel parenting wants our children first and foremost to come to faith, to know God through Jesus and to serve him. It means our dreams for them are gospel focused not exam results, marriage, home etc... And this will be more than just a head desire, it will be a heart desire which determines our actions and behaviour throughout our children's lives.
It will mean at times being in conflict with our children. If our children go through a stage of not wanting to go to church we will not bow down to their will. But will discuss with them why it is important, why it is a family priority and at times simply take them. Though on the flip side churches must recognise that children are part of the kingdom community, value them, include them and encourage them to serve.
It means our priorities set the agenda in the home. We will model our priorities to them in the home in terms of what we long for them to be. The parent who pushes school performance, exam results, and academic achievement is saying to their child that is what will make you happy not the gospel. I think for many of us stepping off the treadmill of parenting one up man ship in terms of reading bands, Sat's scores, exam results and the like is a key gospel distinctive. What will make our children happy and what ought to make us happy is them knowing and serving Jesus, not academic performance.
Time is the way in which children measure how much we love them. They will soon learn that they are our idol if everything in our world revolves around them. We can't do this because the children... we can't do that because the children... A healthy look at our diaries is a good thing. We ought to encourage our children to engage in activities but what they want to do ought not to be all consuming.
What is family? That is one of the fundamental questions we have to ask ourselves. How do I think of family? How do I guard and protect it? We are all family with the phrase an Englishman's home is his castle, I think there has been a subtle shift in the last generation to an Englishman's family is his castle. How often do we invite others into our families? Do we really see church as our family? Or is that just an idea we know we should espouse rather than a reality to live out?
There is much more to say about this but maybe another time. How can I tell if my children are an idol, or a potential idol? For now here are some questions to answer honestly and think through?
a. What is your greatest dream for your children?
b. What do they say your greatest dream for them is?
c. How much do they dictate the pace and activities of life in your home?
d. Is your family your castle?
e. Where does church family fit into your family and your family into church?
One of the issues we were thinking about was what our idols are and it bought up the whole issue of gospel parenting - can we as believers love our children too much? And how do we know whether we have gospel love for our children or idolatrous love for our children.
The bible would affirm that we as parents should love our children, Jesus says that we know how to give good gifts to our children - presuming we love them. In Deuteronomy we see commands given to parents concerning their children and throughout the Old Testament there is a sense of parents needing to love and lead their children. It is right and godly that we love our children they are a gift from God to us.
But as with all good things they can become an ultimate things, they can become idols. So how do we love our children in a distinctive gospel way?
Partly this involves what it is we most want for our children. Distinctive gospel parenting wants our children first and foremost to come to faith, to know God through Jesus and to serve him. It means our dreams for them are gospel focused not exam results, marriage, home etc... And this will be more than just a head desire, it will be a heart desire which determines our actions and behaviour throughout our children's lives.
It will mean at times being in conflict with our children. If our children go through a stage of not wanting to go to church we will not bow down to their will. But will discuss with them why it is important, why it is a family priority and at times simply take them. Though on the flip side churches must recognise that children are part of the kingdom community, value them, include them and encourage them to serve.
It means our priorities set the agenda in the home. We will model our priorities to them in the home in terms of what we long for them to be. The parent who pushes school performance, exam results, and academic achievement is saying to their child that is what will make you happy not the gospel. I think for many of us stepping off the treadmill of parenting one up man ship in terms of reading bands, Sat's scores, exam results and the like is a key gospel distinctive. What will make our children happy and what ought to make us happy is them knowing and serving Jesus, not academic performance.
Time is the way in which children measure how much we love them. They will soon learn that they are our idol if everything in our world revolves around them. We can't do this because the children... we can't do that because the children... A healthy look at our diaries is a good thing. We ought to encourage our children to engage in activities but what they want to do ought not to be all consuming.
What is family? That is one of the fundamental questions we have to ask ourselves. How do I think of family? How do I guard and protect it? We are all family with the phrase an Englishman's home is his castle, I think there has been a subtle shift in the last generation to an Englishman's family is his castle. How often do we invite others into our families? Do we really see church as our family? Or is that just an idea we know we should espouse rather than a reality to live out?
There is much more to say about this but maybe another time. How can I tell if my children are an idol, or a potential idol? For now here are some questions to answer honestly and think through?
a. What is your greatest dream for your children?
b. What do they say your greatest dream for them is?
c. How much do they dictate the pace and activities of life in your home?
d. Is your family your castle?
e. Where does church family fit into your family and your family into church?
Thursday, 24 February 2011
Flawed Fatherhood
Studying Genesis I've been spotting various patterns as I mentioned earlier in the week, but one of the more tragic that you then see across the rest of scripture is the failure of father's seen in the falling away of their children.
Adam has both a godly son and a murderer, both Esau and Jacob don't turn out too well, Jacob's sons are bloodthirsty, consumed by jealousy and hatred(Gen 37) and live by their appetites, Judah's sons are wicked and two are put to death by God(Gen 38). Moving on in scripture Gideon's son Abimilech kills his brothers(Judges 9), Eli's sons are wicked (1 Sam 2), Samuel's sons do not walk as he did (1 Samuel 8), and David's sons commitment various sins.
Why do so many of the Bible's great men have flawed children who reject God? The bible doesn't give us an answer directly, there are cases where father's fail to discipline their children, my hunch is that busyness may have played a part. But it makes sobering reading for parents, particularly father's, today. Do not take for granted that your children will grow up to follow Jesus. Make it a priority to carry out Deuteronomy 6:
"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."
Adam has both a godly son and a murderer, both Esau and Jacob don't turn out too well, Jacob's sons are bloodthirsty, consumed by jealousy and hatred(Gen 37) and live by their appetites, Judah's sons are wicked and two are put to death by God(Gen 38). Moving on in scripture Gideon's son Abimilech kills his brothers(Judges 9), Eli's sons are wicked (1 Sam 2), Samuel's sons do not walk as he did (1 Samuel 8), and David's sons commitment various sins.
Why do so many of the Bible's great men have flawed children who reject God? The bible doesn't give us an answer directly, there are cases where father's fail to discipline their children, my hunch is that busyness may have played a part. But it makes sobering reading for parents, particularly father's, today. Do not take for granted that your children will grow up to follow Jesus. Make it a priority to carry out Deuteronomy 6:
"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates."
Wednesday, 20 October 2010
Our failure to pray is because we fail to depend on God
Our default mode is DIO (Do It Ourselves), we are brought up to be independent thinkers, independent learners, independent live-rs. That makes lots of things hard for us when they call us to become co-dependent (marriage, parenting and old age to name but 3). But fundamentally for us as Christians it makes prayer hard.
In prayer we are confessing to God that we are not independent, that we need him to work in and through us in our lives and the lives of others. We are saying we can't Do It Ourselves. The problem is that often we forget this and so we don't pray about it, or if we do we pray about it knowing exactly what we are going to do and are just looking for God to bless what we are going to do anyway without seeking his will.
Take parenting for example. Parenting is hard but I'd guess that we spend more time thinking, reading and discussing parenting than we do praying about it. Why is that? Its because we think if we have the right techniques, if we can just be that bit better, if I can improve by the extra 1% then my children will turn out OK.
Actually we need to recognise that we are dependent on God for our children and for our parenting. Prayer should be our first and everyday resort. As we seek to deal with the rebellious child who rebels against everything we need to be praying God show me my sin in dealing with my child and Father help him/her come to know and trust you, may I show them your character and love. Now some of you reading this are thinking yes that's fine but what should I do!
How can I impact and change my child? What is going on is a battle of wills, we think we must dominate and overcome our child, but actually that is sin - that is just us imposing our will on him - it may be where that stubborn willful streak came from. First step is to pray about ourselves - God has given us children partly to highlight our own sinful hearts and call us to depend on him. Why not take a moment to do that now?
Having realised that we need to come dependently to God. Depending on him for forgiveness and as the ultimate example of a loving Father. We need to pray for God to work in our child's heart and mind not so our will is imposed but fundamentally and firstly so that they come to know God - the stakes are so much greater than getting my way as a parent.
What we pray about our children reveals what we treasure. It is worth thinking through what you pray for them, why not write a prayer card for each with your priorities, leaving space to add or adapt as necessary.
We need to be praying for our children because it depends on God not us.
What is true for our children is true for everything. Remembering that we are dependent on God for everything would cause us to pray more promptly, more regularly and more continuously.
In prayer we are confessing to God that we are not independent, that we need him to work in and through us in our lives and the lives of others. We are saying we can't Do It Ourselves. The problem is that often we forget this and so we don't pray about it, or if we do we pray about it knowing exactly what we are going to do and are just looking for God to bless what we are going to do anyway without seeking his will.
Take parenting for example. Parenting is hard but I'd guess that we spend more time thinking, reading and discussing parenting than we do praying about it. Why is that? Its because we think if we have the right techniques, if we can just be that bit better, if I can improve by the extra 1% then my children will turn out OK.
Actually we need to recognise that we are dependent on God for our children and for our parenting. Prayer should be our first and everyday resort. As we seek to deal with the rebellious child who rebels against everything we need to be praying God show me my sin in dealing with my child and Father help him/her come to know and trust you, may I show them your character and love. Now some of you reading this are thinking yes that's fine but what should I do!
How can I impact and change my child? What is going on is a battle of wills, we think we must dominate and overcome our child, but actually that is sin - that is just us imposing our will on him - it may be where that stubborn willful streak came from. First step is to pray about ourselves - God has given us children partly to highlight our own sinful hearts and call us to depend on him. Why not take a moment to do that now?
Having realised that we need to come dependently to God. Depending on him for forgiveness and as the ultimate example of a loving Father. We need to pray for God to work in our child's heart and mind not so our will is imposed but fundamentally and firstly so that they come to know God - the stakes are so much greater than getting my way as a parent.
What we pray about our children reveals what we treasure. It is worth thinking through what you pray for them, why not write a prayer card for each with your priorities, leaving space to add or adapt as necessary.
We need to be praying for our children because it depends on God not us.
What is true for our children is true for everything. Remembering that we are dependent on God for everything would cause us to pray more promptly, more regularly and more continuously.
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
The challenge of parenting
In studying Deuteronomy last week for Sunday morning I was struck by its emphasis on parents teaching children. In chapter 11 there were a number of references to children(v2, 5, 19-21). Stress is placed by Moses on the fact that the Israelites children haven’t seen the things the parents have so the parents are to teach them about the character and saving work of God as part of everyday life. Parents are to teach their children by action and words how to worship God.
As someone who has three boys I was very struck by this challenge, if you have children do you hear the challenge, if you have grandchildren, or are an Aunt or Uncle do you see the challenge? As a member of the congregation of a church (Deuteronomy is addressed to Israel as a nation so some corporate application is in mind) - the children will learn how to worship God from you.
But this is a charge to parents first and foremost. Don’t abdicate your responsibility. Our children will learn most about whether God is worth worshipping and how he is to be worshipped from us, by what we teach them and also how much they see of our fearing, walking, loving, serving and observing God and his word.
Parents your actions and words are crucial in teaching your children that God matters. Do they see he matters? Is it seen in the way we prioritise our week? Do they ever catch us reading the Bible or praying? Do we teach them God's word from a young age? Is it seen in our characters, in our desire to change?
Dads in particular as those who God calls to the role of head of the marriage do we lead in this area? Or have we abdicated here to our wives? Boys in particular need men, they need to understand what it means to be a man of God.
The consequences of abdicating that role are disastrous – we see it in Judges 2:10 “After that whole generation had been gathered to their ancestors, another generation grew up who knew neither the LORD nor what he had done for Israel.”
We must take seriously God's call to teach our children about our great, awesome God of grace.
As someone who has three boys I was very struck by this challenge, if you have children do you hear the challenge, if you have grandchildren, or are an Aunt or Uncle do you see the challenge? As a member of the congregation of a church (Deuteronomy is addressed to Israel as a nation so some corporate application is in mind) - the children will learn how to worship God from you.
But this is a charge to parents first and foremost. Don’t abdicate your responsibility. Our children will learn most about whether God is worth worshipping and how he is to be worshipped from us, by what we teach them and also how much they see of our fearing, walking, loving, serving and observing God and his word.
Parents your actions and words are crucial in teaching your children that God matters. Do they see he matters? Is it seen in the way we prioritise our week? Do they ever catch us reading the Bible or praying? Do we teach them God's word from a young age? Is it seen in our characters, in our desire to change?
Dads in particular as those who God calls to the role of head of the marriage do we lead in this area? Or have we abdicated here to our wives? Boys in particular need men, they need to understand what it means to be a man of God.
The consequences of abdicating that role are disastrous – we see it in Judges 2:10 “After that whole generation had been gathered to their ancestors, another generation grew up who knew neither the LORD nor what he had done for Israel.”
We must take seriously God's call to teach our children about our great, awesome God of grace.
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
Is Satan more concerned about the families in our churches than we are?
"Is Satan more concerned about the families in your church than you are?
From the beginning, Satan has tried to destroy the biblically-ordered family. Adam abdicated his headship. Eve usurped her husband's position. Cain killed his brother. Satan's first attacks were against God-given family roles.
The assault continues today, and it may be more ferocious than ever before. If you doubt this, just consider today's remarkable headlines—or the temptations at work in your own home. In this article and the next two, I'd like to help uncover what may be a treasure that's hidden in plain view within your church, and a treasure that Satan is after: the families in your congregation..."
To read the rest of this challenging and thought provoking article click here.
From the beginning, Satan has tried to destroy the biblically-ordered family. Adam abdicated his headship. Eve usurped her husband's position. Cain killed his brother. Satan's first attacks were against God-given family roles.
The assault continues today, and it may be more ferocious than ever before. If you doubt this, just consider today's remarkable headlines—or the temptations at work in your own home. In this article and the next two, I'd like to help uncover what may be a treasure that's hidden in plain view within your church, and a treasure that Satan is after: the families in your congregation..."
To read the rest of this challenging and thought provoking article click here.
Friday, 22 August 2008
Teaching our Children to pray
One night a sleepy little boy knelt beside my bed
He smiled and looked into my eyes and this is what he said
Daddy, my daddy, you've taught me lots today
So daddy, my daddy, teach me how to pray.
You brought me home a brand new kite showed me how to fly
And there ain't no wonder kid who's dad can knock a ball so high
I'd like to thank God for you, but I don't know what to say
So daddy, my daddy, teach me how to pray.
I'd had to turn and leave his room, he began to cry
I didn't want my boy to know but so did I
His best pal forsaken him but what was there to say
For daddy, yes daddy, had forgotten how to pray.
(Daddy, my daddy, teach me how to pray.)...
Jim Reeves Teach me how to Pray
He smiled and looked into my eyes and this is what he said
Daddy, my daddy, you've taught me lots today
So daddy, my daddy, teach me how to pray.
You brought me home a brand new kite showed me how to fly
And there ain't no wonder kid who's dad can knock a ball so high
I'd like to thank God for you, but I don't know what to say
So daddy, my daddy, teach me how to pray.
I'd had to turn and leave his room, he began to cry
I didn't want my boy to know but so did I
His best pal forsaken him but what was there to say
For daddy, yes daddy, had forgotten how to pray.
(Daddy, my daddy, teach me how to pray.)...
Jim Reeves Teach me how to Pray
Monday, 28 April 2008
Piper on parenting
John Piper is in the process of writing a book on Parenting which I for one am looking forward to, though I wish he had written it 5 years ago. Anyway he posted the following on the desiring God blog which you will find on the bar to the right, it was what he was working on yesterday and gives a flavour of the book:
The most fundamental task of a mother and father is to show God to the children. Children know their parents before they know God. This is a huge responsibility and should cause every parent to be desperate for God-like transformation. The children will have years of exposure to what the universe is like before they know there is a universe. They will experience the kind of authority there is in the universe and the kind of justice there is in the universe and the kind of love there is in the universe before they meet the God of authority and justice and love who created and rules of the universe. Children are absorbing from dad his strength and leadership and protection and justice and love; and they are absorbing from mother her care and nurture and warmth and intimacy and justice and love—and, of course, all these overlap.
And all this is happening before the child knows anything about God, but it is profoundly all about God. Will the child be able to recognize God for who he really is in his authority and love and justice because mom and dad have together shown the child what God is like. The chief task of parenting is to know God for who he is in his many attributes, and then to live in such a way with our children that we help them see and know this multi-faceted God. And, of course, that will involve directing them always to the infallible portrait of God in the Bible.
We need as parents to have a thirst for God and a love for him that we transmit to our children because it is contagious. They will either catch our love and passion for God or our apathy.
The most fundamental task of a mother and father is to show God to the children. Children know their parents before they know God. This is a huge responsibility and should cause every parent to be desperate for God-like transformation. The children will have years of exposure to what the universe is like before they know there is a universe. They will experience the kind of authority there is in the universe and the kind of justice there is in the universe and the kind of love there is in the universe before they meet the God of authority and justice and love who created and rules of the universe. Children are absorbing from dad his strength and leadership and protection and justice and love; and they are absorbing from mother her care and nurture and warmth and intimacy and justice and love—and, of course, all these overlap.
And all this is happening before the child knows anything about God, but it is profoundly all about God. Will the child be able to recognize God for who he really is in his authority and love and justice because mom and dad have together shown the child what God is like. The chief task of parenting is to know God for who he is in his many attributes, and then to live in such a way with our children that we help them see and know this multi-faceted God. And, of course, that will involve directing them always to the infallible portrait of God in the Bible.
We need as parents to have a thirst for God and a love for him that we transmit to our children because it is contagious. They will either catch our love and passion for God or our apathy.
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