Here are the notes and questions from LightHouse on Sunday
What is the purpose of marriage?
“Since the fall no organisation or way of life whatever has a natural tendency to go right.” How does this affect marriage?
There is a danger for us in taking two verses in isolation when they flow naturally from and are rooted in everything Paul has been teaching the Colossians. So we are going to get an overview of the letter and then pick up some themes which have big implications for our marriages before we look at these two verses.
Colossians unpacks the sheer wonder of the gospel and our salvation in Jesus. That God the Son; the very image of God died for us when we were God’s enemies(ch1). That in Christ we have everything we need(ch2) to live godly lives, to live out our identity as those who have been and are freed and raised in Christ. Transformed, different, hidden in Christ, secure in him both now and eternally. Before (ch3)exploring what living out that identity looks like as we live with the peace of Christ ruling our hearts.
Paul is clear that the gospel, following Jesus, doesn’t transform some things, or just sacred things but everything and over the next three lighthouse we are going to look at three practical everyday areas; marriage, parenting, and work.
One of the biggest dangers is having a public face and a private face, of their being a disconnect between the way we are in church or when with the church family and the way we are when alone with our families. I remember watching a convicting video clip of a family arguing, sniping at one another, and rushing to get ready, before all piling into the car. They continued to argue or sit in hostile silence until they arrived at their destination where they tumbled out of the car and into church at which point they all put on their Sunday faces and proceeded to worship God, full of smiles and joy.
But Paul wants the Colossians and us to see that the gospel transforms everything, it transforms our marriage, how we think of them, their purpose and our actions as husbands and wives.
What is Marriage?
Two sinners united in a broken world
There is an assumption behind Paul’s instructions, it is that we will not naturally have a marriage that is transformed by the gospel. Just because two Christians get married the marriage is not automatically a gospel centred marriage, it is not by default a marriage rooted in our identity as God’s children. Our marriages reflect our hearts, and we all know our hearts, what we struggle with. But in marriage now someone else is up close and personal and they also see and experience our struggle with sin just as we see theirs.
Look back at(3:5-10). We are to be those who are putting to death the old self and seeking to put on the new self, not as individuals, but in our marriages as well as in our church family. Except our spouses will see and experience the affects of that struggle, the battles lost and won, the repeated seemingly unbreakable sins, more intensely than anyone else.
Marriage is hard because it is a marriage of two sinners, redeemed yes, justified yes, yet working, fighting to realise that identity, at peace with God but enlisted in a new fight with sin. There is another danger of our battle with sin and that is that we look for our marriage to provide us with what only God can give us, and when we do that we will become embittered and frustrated. And all that is lived out on the canvas of a fallen world with all the pressures and imperfections that brings.
We need to have this realism in our thinking about our marriages because otherwise we will become quickly disillusioned and bitter, or end up hiding ourselves from each other even within our marriages and never really open ourselves up and experience marriage as God intended it for our good.
b. Saved and Living by Grace
But (10-12)there is also hope in marriage because we are those who have experienced grace and therefore bring grace into our marriages. Paul describes the believer as recreated, renewed by the grace of God. Sin is a powerful influence in our hearts and therefore in our marriages but grace is THE power in our hearts and therefore in our marriages. Sin does not define us grace does, look at how Paul describes the Colossians (12) “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved...” That is who you are, that is your identity, that is how God sees you.
One of our problems is that we reduce ourselves down, we talk about role; wife, husband, mum, dad. How would it change our marriage if we thought of ourselves and our spouse as God here defines them and us? I am not just being selfish or argumentative towards my wife or husband but to one of God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved.
And Paul calls on Jesus followers to live out that identity by putting on new clothes, not just in church, but in marriage as in everything. “Clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love... Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another...”
They aren’t just instructions for how we are to be when we meet together in church, but they are the marks of the Christian.
I always try to encourage the boys to change out of their school uniform when they get home so that their uniform stays clean and neat. But I wonder sometimes if we adopt that mentality about home when it comes to these attributes. They are effectively the clothes we put on to go out in, our Sunday best as it were, but at home we don’t feel the need to be like that. But Paul is saying it is your identity!
But notice that key to this is grace, “Forgiving as the Lord forgave you.” Our marriages are to be places of forgiveness and grace, where we love as we have been loved, where we bear with, are gentle, patient and so on. Can you picture this past week, how would grace have transformed your marriage this past week? How have I not held out grace to Lucy?
Grace is vital because it also unlocks the true potential of marriage. Marriage is a means of God’s grace to us as husband and wife called together by God to spur one another on to become who we are in Christ, as we speak the truth in love to each other and teach and admonish one another.
“Marriage is God’s gift for helping each other become our future glory selves, the new creations which God will eventually make us.”
God longs for our marriage to be everything he wants it to be, he gives us grace, his Spirit his word to help us realise that, we have everything we need. With that in mind let’s look at these two further instructions:
The Gospel transforms Marriage.
How do you read that word submit? What images come to mind? I guess for many of us it’s a wrestler being forced to submit, or a playground game of mercy where the weaker submits to the stronger child. For us submit puts someone in second place, it is about inequality, and hierarchy. But in the bible submit means something very different and it is important we define bible terms as the bible uses them.
Sin has led verses like this to be twisted and misused to oppress and marginalise women by Christians and others and that is wrong and unbiblical.
The Bible has a distinct set of teachings which underpin this idea. In Genesis 1 and 2 God creates Adam and Eve and they are made equal, both made in the image of God. Different but complimentary so that together they can fulfil God’s purpose for them to fill the earth and rule it as his regents.
But at the fall this perfect pattern and equality becomes a potential source for conflict as sin leads each to want their own way, their rights, their rule. Something we still see, not just in society, but in our own hearts and marriage.
Now to help us understand how the gospel transforms marriage, how it reconnects us with Genesis 1&2 we need to turn to Philippians 2 where we see what ‘submit’ means. Here we see the pattern for submission as God the eternal Son, in very nature God and equal to God, submit to the Father. Father and son remain equal but the Son voluntarily submits to the Father out of love. His submission is a gift of love to his Father, and look what happens. The Father doesn’t trample all over the son, but accepts this willing gift and exalts the Son to the highest place.
1 Corinthians 11:3 tells us that this is a pattern for marriage; free, loving, joyful submission. Not a becoming less equal but a joyful, loving service of another.
And key to this is that such service is met by love. That is Paul’s instruction to husband’s; “love your wives”. Husbands are to love in such a way that it is a joy to submit, that he is lifting up his wife even as she submits. A husbands love must mirror Christ’s love for the church; sacrificial, giving, loyal, serving and seeking the good of his wife not self. It is a kingdom love which seeks the godliness of our wives and pursues that as our greatest end.
I want to pause here because I know how far short of that I fall as a husband as I look at my own heart. As I see God’s magnificent purpose for marriage I am humbled by my own sin which so often leads me to default to Genesis 3 mode rather than a gospel mode. That is why grace and forgiveness are so essential within a marriage, we confess our sin and our failure and find forgiveness in Christ and in our marriage. We remind one another again of our identity in Christ, that it is all done for us and that God gives us everything we need by his Spirit to be his children and in prayer we walk with the Spirit asking God to transform our marriages.
I am not going to sketch out exactly what this will look like lived out because the Bible doesn’t and if God doesn’t who am I to think I can. I think God establishes these principles and his purpose and doesn’t give us a prescription because how it works out will look different in every marriage, it will change as marriages change, as seasons in life come and go. But the principle and purpose stand – only the gospel can change our hearts in marriage and only in God’s purpose will our marriage be all it can be. It can take us from our small view of marriage, our small plotline and put it in God’s bigger purpose. The gospel remakes our marriages on a grand scale of cosmic significance.
“Marriage is for helping each other become our future glory selves, the new creations which God will eventually make us.”
1. How is this vision counter our cultures view of marriage?
2. There is always the danger of making our spouse or marriage an idol, how does keeping grace central guard against this?
3. How can we practically ensure our marriages work towards God’s purpose as couples? And as a church?
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