The Gospel and Marriage - Colossian 3:18-19

Here are the notes and questions from LightHouse on Sunday

What is the purpose of marriage?

“Since the fall no organisation or way of life whatever has a natural tendency to go right.” How does this affect marriage?

There is a danger for us in taking two verses in isolation when they flow naturally from and are rooted in everything Paul has been teaching the Colossians. So we are going to get an overview of the letter and then pick up some themes which have big implications for our marriages before we look at these two verses.

Colossians unpacks the sheer wonder of the gospel and our salvation in Jesus. That God the Son; the very image of God died for us when we were God’s enemies(ch1). That in Christ we have everything we need(ch2) to live godly lives, to live out our identity as those who have been and are freed and raised in Christ. Transformed, different, hidden in Christ, secure in him both now and eternally. Before (ch3)exploring what living out that identity looks like as we live with the peace of Christ ruling our hearts.

Paul is clear that the gospel, following Jesus, doesn’t transform some things, or just sacred things but everything and over the next three lighthouse we are going to look at three practical everyday areas; marriage, parenting, and work.

One of the biggest dangers is having a public face and a private face, of their being a disconnect between the way we are in church or when with the church family and the way we are when alone with our families. I remember watching a convicting video clip of a family arguing, sniping at one another, and rushing to get ready, before all piling into the car. They continued to argue or sit in hostile silence until they arrived at their destination where they tumbled out of the car and into church at which point they all put on their Sunday faces and proceeded to worship God, full of smiles and joy.

But Paul wants the Colossians and us to see that the gospel transforms everything, it transforms our marriage, how we think of them, their purpose and our actions as husbands and wives.

What is Marriage?
Two sinners united in a broken world
There is an assumption behind Paul’s instructions, it is that we will not naturally have a marriage that is transformed by the gospel. Just because two Christians get married the marriage is not automatically a gospel centred marriage, it is not by default a marriage rooted in our identity as God’s children. Our marriages reflect our hearts, and we all know our hearts, what we struggle with. But in marriage now someone else is up close and personal and they also see and experience our struggle with sin just as we see theirs.

Look back at(3:5-10). We are to be those who are putting to death the old self and seeking to put on the new self, not as individuals, but in our marriages as well as in our church family. Except our spouses will see and experience the affects of that struggle, the battles lost and won, the repeated seemingly unbreakable sins, more intensely than anyone else.

Marriage is hard because it is a marriage of two sinners, redeemed yes, justified yes, yet working, fighting to realise that identity, at peace with God but enlisted in a new fight with sin. There is another danger of our battle with sin and that is that we look for our marriage to provide us with what only God can give us, and when we do that we will become embittered and frustrated. And all that is lived out on the canvas of a fallen world with all the pressures and imperfections that brings.

We need to have this realism in our thinking about our marriages because otherwise we will become quickly disillusioned and bitter, or end up hiding ourselves from each other even within our marriages and never really open ourselves up and experience marriage as God intended it for our good.

b. Saved and Living by Grace
But (10-12)there is also hope in marriage because we are those who have experienced grace and therefore bring grace into our marriages. Paul describes the believer as recreated, renewed by the grace of God. Sin is a powerful influence in our hearts and therefore in our marriages but grace is THE power in our hearts and therefore in our marriages. Sin does not define us grace does, look at how Paul describes the Colossians (12) “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved...” That is who you are, that is your identity, that is how God sees you.

One of our problems is that we reduce ourselves down, we talk about role; wife, husband, mum, dad. How would it change our marriage if we thought of ourselves and our spouse as God here defines them and us? I am not just being selfish or argumentative towards my wife or husband but to one of God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved.

And Paul calls on Jesus followers to live out that identity by putting on new clothes, not just in church, but in marriage as in everything. “Clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love... Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another...”

They aren’t just instructions for how we are to be when we meet together in church, but they are the marks of the Christian.

I always try to encourage the boys to change out of their school uniform when they get home so that their uniform stays clean and neat. But I wonder sometimes if we adopt that mentality about home when it comes to these attributes. They are effectively the clothes we put on to go out in, our Sunday best as it were, but at home we don’t feel the need to be like that. But Paul is saying it is your identity!

But notice that key to this is grace, “Forgiving as the Lord forgave you.” Our marriages are to be places of forgiveness and grace, where we love as we have been loved, where we bear with, are gentle, patient and so on. Can you picture this past week, how would grace have transformed your marriage this past week? How have I not held out grace to Lucy?

Grace is vital because it also unlocks the true potential of marriage. Marriage is a means of God’s grace to us as husband and wife called together by God to spur one another on to become who we are in Christ, as we speak the truth in love to each other and teach and admonish one another.

“Marriage is God’s gift for helping each other become our future glory selves, the new creations which God will eventually make us.”

God longs for our marriage to be everything he wants it to be, he gives us grace, his Spirit his word to help us realise that, we have everything we need. With that in mind let’s look at these two further instructions:

The Gospel transforms Marriage.
How do you read that word submit? What images come to mind? I guess for many of us it’s a wrestler being forced to submit, or a playground game of mercy where the weaker submits to the stronger child. For us submit puts someone in second place, it is about inequality, and hierarchy. But in the bible submit means something very different and it is important we define bible terms as the bible uses them.

Sin has led verses like this to be twisted and misused to oppress and marginalise women by Christians and others and that is wrong and unbiblical.

The Bible has a distinct set of teachings which underpin this idea. In Genesis 1 and 2 God creates Adam and Eve and they are made equal, both made in the image of God. Different but complimentary so that together they can fulfil God’s purpose for them to fill the earth and rule it as his regents.

But at the fall this perfect pattern and equality becomes a potential source for conflict as sin leads each to want their own way, their rights, their rule. Something we still see, not just in society, but in our own hearts and marriage.

Now to help us understand how the gospel transforms marriage, how it reconnects us with Genesis 1&2 we need to turn to Philippians 2 where we see what ‘submit’ means. Here we see the pattern for submission as God the eternal Son, in very nature God and equal to God, submit to the Father. Father and son remain equal but the Son voluntarily submits to the Father out of love. His submission is a gift of love to his Father, and look what happens. The Father doesn’t trample all over the son, but accepts this willing gift and exalts the Son to the highest place.

1 Corinthians 11:3 tells us that this is a pattern for marriage; free, loving, joyful submission. Not a becoming less equal but a joyful, loving service of another.

And key to this is that such service is met by love. That is Paul’s instruction to husband’s; “love your wives”. Husbands are to love in such a way that it is a joy to submit, that he is lifting up his wife even as she submits. A husbands love must mirror Christ’s love for the church; sacrificial, giving, loyal, serving and seeking the good of his wife not self. It is a kingdom love which seeks the godliness of our wives and pursues that as our greatest end.

I want to pause here because I know how far short of that I fall as a husband as I look at my own heart. As I see God’s magnificent purpose for marriage I am humbled by my own sin which so often leads me to default to Genesis 3 mode rather than a gospel mode. That is why grace and forgiveness are so essential within a marriage, we confess our sin and our failure and find forgiveness in Christ and in our marriage. We remind one another again of our identity in Christ, that it is all done for us and that God gives us everything we need by his Spirit to be his children and in prayer we walk with the Spirit asking God to transform our marriages.

I am not going to sketch out exactly what this will look like lived out because the Bible doesn’t and if God doesn’t who am I to think I can. I think God establishes these principles and his purpose and doesn’t give us a prescription because how it works out will look different in every marriage, it will change as marriages change, as seasons in life come and go. But the principle and purpose stand – only the gospel can change our hearts in marriage and only in God’s purpose will our marriage be all it can be. It can take us from our small view of marriage, our small plotline and put it in God’s bigger purpose. The gospel remakes our marriages on a grand scale of cosmic significance.

“Marriage is for helping each other become our future glory selves, the new creations which God will eventually make us.”

1. How is this vision counter our cultures view of marriage?

2. There is always the danger of making our spouse or marriage an idol, how does keeping grace central guard against this?

3. How can we practically ensure our marriages work towards God’s purpose as couples? And as a church?

Colossians 1:1-14

Do you feel the tension of following Jesus? It’s the tension of being in the world but not of the world. It’s a pressure that we feel exerted on us by society, friends, family to share their values and not to stand out and be different.

We live with that tension all the time and feel it particularly when we talk about sex and relationships. The bible has a high view of marriage, the world doesn’t. The bible sees sex as an incredibly beautiful, enjoyable, relationship enriching gift to be shared within marriage, the world says sex is cheap, its sells and has no strings. The bible says God made man for woman the world says anything goes.

Or take money; the bible says it’s a gift from God to be used for us to steward, put to work and give away for God’s glory in the gospel. Society says money gives you status, value, worth, it gives you a reason to live.

Or take truth; the bible says Jesus is THE way THE truth and THE life, no-one comes to the father but through Jesus. Society says that is bigoted, narrow and offensive. The bible says everyone needs to hear the gospel, society says faith is private and personal so keep it that way.

Do you feel those tensions as you talk to your friends, or housemates, or listen to your lecturers or family?

Just look at the opening 2 verses of Colossians. Paul God’s messenger writes to those who are in Christ but also in Colossae. In other words Paul writes to those who like us live with the tension of being “in Christ” but also being “in” the world, who live with the tension. The Colossian church is a healthy church, it is growing in grace and maturity, and it’s not like Corinth or Galatia where there are major false teachings and moral lapses. But as in any church, as for any believer they have to live with that tension of being “in Christ” but “in” the world. Paul writes to help them with that, he warns in ch2 about the danger of religious traditions, sacraments, festivals, and special ecstatic visions because that is what Colossian society valued, he explains to then how to live differently from society – how to be in Christ in Colossae. But supremely he does it by reminding that they have everything they need in Christ.

As we look at Paul’s opening prayer we see some of the marks of a healthy church, of believers who thrive in Christ in the world.

1. They are changed by the gospel (3-8)
Paul begins by praising God that the gospel has borne fruit in Colossae, what does such fruit look like: “we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all his people – the faith and love that spring from the hope stored up for you in heaven...”

They believed in Jesus as God’s Messiah, God’s long promised Saviour king who died in their place for their sins and who, risen again, is now Lord of all. And that believe has resulted in concrete actions in their loving all his people, loving not selectively but as an overflow of the love they have experienced.

And both of these are a direct result of what? “the hope stored up for you in heaven” What is that hope? (21-23)It is that they are reconciled to God in Christ and will be presented faultless before him when he comes and (27)that they in Christ will experience and be part of God’s glorious reign and rule.

Their hope is not just distant it is present, it is of eternal life but it begins now with eternal living “in Colossae” but “in Christ.” That hope which has given birth to faith and love is the result of (5-8)having heard the gospel of grace from Epaphras – probably converted and discipled during Paul’s two years in Ephesus who carried the gospel to Colossae. And they are the fruit of the gospel.

A gospel which is at work and bearing fruit not just in Colossae but throughout the whole world(6). Through the gospel preached and proclaimed God works to produce fruit – people who understand, who put their faith in Jesus and are transformed.

Paul wants them to be as amazed as he is, to join him in praising God. We need to see what Paul sees, what he wants them to see, we need to understand the wonder of the gospel. It is an amazing thing that you and I have put our faith in Jesus; it is a miracle of God’s doing. Don’t take it for granted.

But notice too that the gospel believed brings transformation – hope produces faith and love for others.

The danger inherent in being in Christ but in the world is that we can feel the weakness of the gospel, maybe it’s as you chat to course mates, or friends, or family and you are made to feel different. Or it’s as you consider yourselves as a CU – so small compared to the number of students. Don’t doubt the gospel, the gospel bears fruit.

Epaphras went to Colossae as far as we know on his own, but with the gospel and through his faithful proclamation God worked. Our confidence comes not from our size, or power or influence but in the gospel.

“There was once a community where people took off their masks and shared their lives with each other, where they laughed, cried and served together. Where those who had more, shared freely with those who had less until socioeconomic barriers melted away. Where people related to each other in ways that bridged gender, age, and racial chasms. That was bold, creative and dynamic.

That community was the church and what united them was a belief that only one power existed that could conquer sin, wipe out shame, heal wounds, and ultimately change the world one life at a time – the gospel of Jesus.”

2. Holy Dissatisfaction
How do you define yourself? I guess most commonly you’d call yourself a Christian. But I think there is an inherent danger in that, it seems very final, I am a Christian, you either are or you are not, it seems to depend on looking back to a time when you trusted Jesus. But interestingly the bible only uses the term 3 times. And actually it underplays the ongoing change and transformation which the bible says is part of following Jesus.

(9)Paul shares not only his thanksgiving with them but his prayer for them. They are saints(2), they are faithful, they have borne fruit, they are being transformed by the gospel, they have faith, and they love because of their hope. And yet Paul wants more for them, he doesn’t want them to stop there; he doesn’t say that’s enough.

He wants them to go on and keep understanding more of the gospel, who Jesus is and its implications. So he prays continually “ask God to fill you with the knowledge of his will though all the wisdom and understanding that the spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please him in every way:”

Paul wants to see them continually growing in understanding and application of the gospel and living to please God in everything. And notice that they have everything they need to do so, God has given them the Holy Spirit who can give them the wisdom and understanding they need. And notice it is not just knowledge he wants them to have, but applied knowledge of how to live to please God.

What will that look like? He gives them 4 things:

a. bearing fruit in every good work(10)

b. growing in the knowledge of God(10)

c. being strengthened so they endure(11)

d. and giving joyful thanks for their salvation and hope (12-14)

Paul prays for them but he also acts as he writes to them he is teaching them the wonder of their Saviour(1:15-23) and reminding them that God has given them everything they need(2:6-23). He fleshes out what bearing fruit in every good work will look like in society, in the church, in marriage, in the family and at work(3:1-4:1), and he exhorts them to know Jesus more fully and understand what it would mean to swap him for meaningless tradition as he strengthens them to endure.

The gospel of Jesus Christ has the power to transform and to continue to transforming as we cooperate with God’s Spirit as it unveils his word and highlights areas of transformation in our lives. (9-14)Would be a great prayer to pray as you study Colossians this term.

But as you start this series ask yourself this when did I last change? What has, or is, God calling you transform? What area of your understanding, of your passion, of your loving, of your actions, of your serving is God by his Spirit putting his finger on?

You are God’s people in Christ but also living where ever you are for his glory, and he has given you everything you need, Christ is sufficient, the Spirit is active, God’s gospel is powerful, will you listen, will you change.