At the risk of sounding like a grumpy old man on his soapbox rant; I can't believe how ubiquitous the idea of 'date night' has become. I've read about it's importance in books and blogs and heard yet again in a sermon I listened to on line about 'date night' - apparently two words that could save you from divorce. It seems to be becoming the new buzz word when Christians talk about marriage, the new go to, the silver bullet that will ensure you don't take each other for granted as you grow older together.
If as a couple you confess that you don't have a date night you get a shocked look from Christians that seems to say 'Really, I fear for your future marriage.' Date night may be a helpful idea for some, it may be a means of ensuring you don't take your wife or husband for granted. But it is not the eleventh commandment. It will not in and of itself ensure you have a happy/lasting marriage. It cannot and must not replace the gospel as the thing we centre our marriages around.
My fear with the 'date night' phenomenon is that we are substituting it for establishing a real gospel intimacy in marriage. Marriages that take the covenant vows we made before God seriously all the time. Marriages that are about serving and loving our spouse and presenting them to Christ blameless and without fault. Date night might be helpful if we view it in the way it was originally meant but my fear is it is becoming idolatrous. It may end up replacing the gospel as the thing we put at the centre of our marriages.
By all means enjoy your date night but don't impose it on others. By all means enjoy your date night but do not assume that alone will maintain your marriage and save you from taking one another for granted - sin is not that easily cut out. By all means enjoy your date night but as the question how can I maximise the grace filled opportunity marriage is not one night a week but use that night to fuel a grace filled life? How do we regularly build forgiveness, honesty, intimacy, and gospel transformation into life lived together?
Showing posts with label A gospel marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label A gospel marriage. Show all posts
Wednesday, 20 January 2016
Wednesday, 27 February 2013
The Gospel and Marriage - Colossian 3:18-19
Here are the notes and questions from LightHouse on Sunday
What is the purpose of marriage?
“Since the fall no organisation or way of life whatever has a natural tendency to go right.” How does this affect marriage?
There is a danger for us in taking two verses in isolation when they flow naturally from and are rooted in everything Paul has been teaching the Colossians. So we are going to get an overview of the letter and then pick up some themes which have big implications for our marriages before we look at these two verses.
Colossians unpacks the sheer wonder of the gospel and our salvation in Jesus. That God the Son; the very image of God died for us when we were God’s enemies(ch1). That in Christ we have everything we need(ch2) to live godly lives, to live out our identity as those who have been and are freed and raised in Christ. Transformed, different, hidden in Christ, secure in him both now and eternally. Before (ch3)exploring what living out that identity looks like as we live with the peace of Christ ruling our hearts.
Paul is clear that the gospel, following Jesus, doesn’t transform some things, or just sacred things but everything and over the next three lighthouse we are going to look at three practical everyday areas; marriage, parenting, and work.
One of the biggest dangers is having a public face and a private face, of their being a disconnect between the way we are in church or when with the church family and the way we are when alone with our families. I remember watching a convicting video clip of a family arguing, sniping at one another, and rushing to get ready, before all piling into the car. They continued to argue or sit in hostile silence until they arrived at their destination where they tumbled out of the car and into church at which point they all put on their Sunday faces and proceeded to worship God, full of smiles and joy.
But Paul wants the Colossians and us to see that the gospel transforms everything, it transforms our marriage, how we think of them, their purpose and our actions as husbands and wives.
What is Marriage?
Two sinners united in a broken world
There is an assumption behind Paul’s instructions, it is that we will not naturally have a marriage that is transformed by the gospel. Just because two Christians get married the marriage is not automatically a gospel centred marriage, it is not by default a marriage rooted in our identity as God’s children. Our marriages reflect our hearts, and we all know our hearts, what we struggle with. But in marriage now someone else is up close and personal and they also see and experience our struggle with sin just as we see theirs.
Look back at(3:5-10). We are to be those who are putting to death the old self and seeking to put on the new self, not as individuals, but in our marriages as well as in our church family. Except our spouses will see and experience the affects of that struggle, the battles lost and won, the repeated seemingly unbreakable sins, more intensely than anyone else.
Marriage is hard because it is a marriage of two sinners, redeemed yes, justified yes, yet working, fighting to realise that identity, at peace with God but enlisted in a new fight with sin. There is another danger of our battle with sin and that is that we look for our marriage to provide us with what only God can give us, and when we do that we will become embittered and frustrated. And all that is lived out on the canvas of a fallen world with all the pressures and imperfections that brings.
We need to have this realism in our thinking about our marriages because otherwise we will become quickly disillusioned and bitter, or end up hiding ourselves from each other even within our marriages and never really open ourselves up and experience marriage as God intended it for our good.
b. Saved and Living by Grace
But (10-12)there is also hope in marriage because we are those who have experienced grace and therefore bring grace into our marriages. Paul describes the believer as recreated, renewed by the grace of God. Sin is a powerful influence in our hearts and therefore in our marriages but grace is THE power in our hearts and therefore in our marriages. Sin does not define us grace does, look at how Paul describes the Colossians (12) “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved...” That is who you are, that is your identity, that is how God sees you.
One of our problems is that we reduce ourselves down, we talk about role; wife, husband, mum, dad. How would it change our marriage if we thought of ourselves and our spouse as God here defines them and us? I am not just being selfish or argumentative towards my wife or husband but to one of God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved.
And Paul calls on Jesus followers to live out that identity by putting on new clothes, not just in church, but in marriage as in everything. “Clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love... Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another...”
They aren’t just instructions for how we are to be when we meet together in church, but they are the marks of the Christian.
I always try to encourage the boys to change out of their school uniform when they get home so that their uniform stays clean and neat. But I wonder sometimes if we adopt that mentality about home when it comes to these attributes. They are effectively the clothes we put on to go out in, our Sunday best as it were, but at home we don’t feel the need to be like that. But Paul is saying it is your identity!
But notice that key to this is grace, “Forgiving as the Lord forgave you.” Our marriages are to be places of forgiveness and grace, where we love as we have been loved, where we bear with, are gentle, patient and so on. Can you picture this past week, how would grace have transformed your marriage this past week? How have I not held out grace to Lucy?
Grace is vital because it also unlocks the true potential of marriage. Marriage is a means of God’s grace to us as husband and wife called together by God to spur one another on to become who we are in Christ, as we speak the truth in love to each other and teach and admonish one another.
“Marriage is God’s gift for helping each other become our future glory selves, the new creations which God will eventually make us.”
God longs for our marriage to be everything he wants it to be, he gives us grace, his Spirit his word to help us realise that, we have everything we need. With that in mind let’s look at these two further instructions:
The Gospel transforms Marriage.
How do you read that word submit? What images come to mind? I guess for many of us it’s a wrestler being forced to submit, or a playground game of mercy where the weaker submits to the stronger child. For us submit puts someone in second place, it is about inequality, and hierarchy. But in the bible submit means something very different and it is important we define bible terms as the bible uses them.
Sin has led verses like this to be twisted and misused to oppress and marginalise women by Christians and others and that is wrong and unbiblical.
The Bible has a distinct set of teachings which underpin this idea. In Genesis 1 and 2 God creates Adam and Eve and they are made equal, both made in the image of God. Different but complimentary so that together they can fulfil God’s purpose for them to fill the earth and rule it as his regents.
But at the fall this perfect pattern and equality becomes a potential source for conflict as sin leads each to want their own way, their rights, their rule. Something we still see, not just in society, but in our own hearts and marriage.
Now to help us understand how the gospel transforms marriage, how it reconnects us with Genesis 1&2 we need to turn to Philippians 2 where we see what ‘submit’ means. Here we see the pattern for submission as God the eternal Son, in very nature God and equal to God, submit to the Father. Father and son remain equal but the Son voluntarily submits to the Father out of love. His submission is a gift of love to his Father, and look what happens. The Father doesn’t trample all over the son, but accepts this willing gift and exalts the Son to the highest place.
1 Corinthians 11:3 tells us that this is a pattern for marriage; free, loving, joyful submission. Not a becoming less equal but a joyful, loving service of another.
And key to this is that such service is met by love. That is Paul’s instruction to husband’s; “love your wives”. Husbands are to love in such a way that it is a joy to submit, that he is lifting up his wife even as she submits. A husbands love must mirror Christ’s love for the church; sacrificial, giving, loyal, serving and seeking the good of his wife not self. It is a kingdom love which seeks the godliness of our wives and pursues that as our greatest end.
I want to pause here because I know how far short of that I fall as a husband as I look at my own heart. As I see God’s magnificent purpose for marriage I am humbled by my own sin which so often leads me to default to Genesis 3 mode rather than a gospel mode. That is why grace and forgiveness are so essential within a marriage, we confess our sin and our failure and find forgiveness in Christ and in our marriage. We remind one another again of our identity in Christ, that it is all done for us and that God gives us everything we need by his Spirit to be his children and in prayer we walk with the Spirit asking God to transform our marriages.
I am not going to sketch out exactly what this will look like lived out because the Bible doesn’t and if God doesn’t who am I to think I can. I think God establishes these principles and his purpose and doesn’t give us a prescription because how it works out will look different in every marriage, it will change as marriages change, as seasons in life come and go. But the principle and purpose stand – only the gospel can change our hearts in marriage and only in God’s purpose will our marriage be all it can be. It can take us from our small view of marriage, our small plotline and put it in God’s bigger purpose. The gospel remakes our marriages on a grand scale of cosmic significance.
“Marriage is for helping each other become our future glory selves, the new creations which God will eventually make us.”
1. How is this vision counter our cultures view of marriage?
2. There is always the danger of making our spouse or marriage an idol, how does keeping grace central guard against this?
3. How can we practically ensure our marriages work towards God’s purpose as couples? And as a church?
What is the purpose of marriage?
“Since the fall no organisation or way of life whatever has a natural tendency to go right.” How does this affect marriage?
There is a danger for us in taking two verses in isolation when they flow naturally from and are rooted in everything Paul has been teaching the Colossians. So we are going to get an overview of the letter and then pick up some themes which have big implications for our marriages before we look at these two verses.
Colossians unpacks the sheer wonder of the gospel and our salvation in Jesus. That God the Son; the very image of God died for us when we were God’s enemies(ch1). That in Christ we have everything we need(ch2) to live godly lives, to live out our identity as those who have been and are freed and raised in Christ. Transformed, different, hidden in Christ, secure in him both now and eternally. Before (ch3)exploring what living out that identity looks like as we live with the peace of Christ ruling our hearts.
Paul is clear that the gospel, following Jesus, doesn’t transform some things, or just sacred things but everything and over the next three lighthouse we are going to look at three practical everyday areas; marriage, parenting, and work.
One of the biggest dangers is having a public face and a private face, of their being a disconnect between the way we are in church or when with the church family and the way we are when alone with our families. I remember watching a convicting video clip of a family arguing, sniping at one another, and rushing to get ready, before all piling into the car. They continued to argue or sit in hostile silence until they arrived at their destination where they tumbled out of the car and into church at which point they all put on their Sunday faces and proceeded to worship God, full of smiles and joy.
But Paul wants the Colossians and us to see that the gospel transforms everything, it transforms our marriage, how we think of them, their purpose and our actions as husbands and wives.
What is Marriage?
Two sinners united in a broken world
There is an assumption behind Paul’s instructions, it is that we will not naturally have a marriage that is transformed by the gospel. Just because two Christians get married the marriage is not automatically a gospel centred marriage, it is not by default a marriage rooted in our identity as God’s children. Our marriages reflect our hearts, and we all know our hearts, what we struggle with. But in marriage now someone else is up close and personal and they also see and experience our struggle with sin just as we see theirs.
Look back at(3:5-10). We are to be those who are putting to death the old self and seeking to put on the new self, not as individuals, but in our marriages as well as in our church family. Except our spouses will see and experience the affects of that struggle, the battles lost and won, the repeated seemingly unbreakable sins, more intensely than anyone else.
Marriage is hard because it is a marriage of two sinners, redeemed yes, justified yes, yet working, fighting to realise that identity, at peace with God but enlisted in a new fight with sin. There is another danger of our battle with sin and that is that we look for our marriage to provide us with what only God can give us, and when we do that we will become embittered and frustrated. And all that is lived out on the canvas of a fallen world with all the pressures and imperfections that brings.
We need to have this realism in our thinking about our marriages because otherwise we will become quickly disillusioned and bitter, or end up hiding ourselves from each other even within our marriages and never really open ourselves up and experience marriage as God intended it for our good.
b. Saved and Living by Grace
But (10-12)there is also hope in marriage because we are those who have experienced grace and therefore bring grace into our marriages. Paul describes the believer as recreated, renewed by the grace of God. Sin is a powerful influence in our hearts and therefore in our marriages but grace is THE power in our hearts and therefore in our marriages. Sin does not define us grace does, look at how Paul describes the Colossians (12) “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved...” That is who you are, that is your identity, that is how God sees you.
One of our problems is that we reduce ourselves down, we talk about role; wife, husband, mum, dad. How would it change our marriage if we thought of ourselves and our spouse as God here defines them and us? I am not just being selfish or argumentative towards my wife or husband but to one of God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved.
And Paul calls on Jesus followers to live out that identity by putting on new clothes, not just in church, but in marriage as in everything. “Clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love... Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts... the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another...”
They aren’t just instructions for how we are to be when we meet together in church, but they are the marks of the Christian.
I always try to encourage the boys to change out of their school uniform when they get home so that their uniform stays clean and neat. But I wonder sometimes if we adopt that mentality about home when it comes to these attributes. They are effectively the clothes we put on to go out in, our Sunday best as it were, but at home we don’t feel the need to be like that. But Paul is saying it is your identity!
But notice that key to this is grace, “Forgiving as the Lord forgave you.” Our marriages are to be places of forgiveness and grace, where we love as we have been loved, where we bear with, are gentle, patient and so on. Can you picture this past week, how would grace have transformed your marriage this past week? How have I not held out grace to Lucy?
Grace is vital because it also unlocks the true potential of marriage. Marriage is a means of God’s grace to us as husband and wife called together by God to spur one another on to become who we are in Christ, as we speak the truth in love to each other and teach and admonish one another.
“Marriage is God’s gift for helping each other become our future glory selves, the new creations which God will eventually make us.”
God longs for our marriage to be everything he wants it to be, he gives us grace, his Spirit his word to help us realise that, we have everything we need. With that in mind let’s look at these two further instructions:
The Gospel transforms Marriage.
How do you read that word submit? What images come to mind? I guess for many of us it’s a wrestler being forced to submit, or a playground game of mercy where the weaker submits to the stronger child. For us submit puts someone in second place, it is about inequality, and hierarchy. But in the bible submit means something very different and it is important we define bible terms as the bible uses them.
Sin has led verses like this to be twisted and misused to oppress and marginalise women by Christians and others and that is wrong and unbiblical.
The Bible has a distinct set of teachings which underpin this idea. In Genesis 1 and 2 God creates Adam and Eve and they are made equal, both made in the image of God. Different but complimentary so that together they can fulfil God’s purpose for them to fill the earth and rule it as his regents.
But at the fall this perfect pattern and equality becomes a potential source for conflict as sin leads each to want their own way, their rights, their rule. Something we still see, not just in society, but in our own hearts and marriage.
Now to help us understand how the gospel transforms marriage, how it reconnects us with Genesis 1&2 we need to turn to Philippians 2 where we see what ‘submit’ means. Here we see the pattern for submission as God the eternal Son, in very nature God and equal to God, submit to the Father. Father and son remain equal but the Son voluntarily submits to the Father out of love. His submission is a gift of love to his Father, and look what happens. The Father doesn’t trample all over the son, but accepts this willing gift and exalts the Son to the highest place.
1 Corinthians 11:3 tells us that this is a pattern for marriage; free, loving, joyful submission. Not a becoming less equal but a joyful, loving service of another.
And key to this is that such service is met by love. That is Paul’s instruction to husband’s; “love your wives”. Husbands are to love in such a way that it is a joy to submit, that he is lifting up his wife even as she submits. A husbands love must mirror Christ’s love for the church; sacrificial, giving, loyal, serving and seeking the good of his wife not self. It is a kingdom love which seeks the godliness of our wives and pursues that as our greatest end.
I want to pause here because I know how far short of that I fall as a husband as I look at my own heart. As I see God’s magnificent purpose for marriage I am humbled by my own sin which so often leads me to default to Genesis 3 mode rather than a gospel mode. That is why grace and forgiveness are so essential within a marriage, we confess our sin and our failure and find forgiveness in Christ and in our marriage. We remind one another again of our identity in Christ, that it is all done for us and that God gives us everything we need by his Spirit to be his children and in prayer we walk with the Spirit asking God to transform our marriages.
I am not going to sketch out exactly what this will look like lived out because the Bible doesn’t and if God doesn’t who am I to think I can. I think God establishes these principles and his purpose and doesn’t give us a prescription because how it works out will look different in every marriage, it will change as marriages change, as seasons in life come and go. But the principle and purpose stand – only the gospel can change our hearts in marriage and only in God’s purpose will our marriage be all it can be. It can take us from our small view of marriage, our small plotline and put it in God’s bigger purpose. The gospel remakes our marriages on a grand scale of cosmic significance.
“Marriage is for helping each other become our future glory selves, the new creations which God will eventually make us.”
1. How is this vision counter our cultures view of marriage?
2. There is always the danger of making our spouse or marriage an idol, how does keeping grace central guard against this?
3. How can we practically ensure our marriages work towards God’s purpose as couples? And as a church?
Wednesday, 19 January 2011
Questions for married couples
I was reading the masculine mandate and Phillips poses questions men should be able to answer for their wives, but I thought with a bit of tinkering they are questions all spouses should be able to answer about one another:
If I asked you on any given day could you:
1. Tell me what your spouse was doing that day?
2. Tell me what he or she is anxious about?
3. Tell me at least one thing which is weighing heavily on her heart?
4. Share with me one frustration they have at the moment?
If we couldn't answer those questions for our spouse then I think we have to say we need to be living life together and knowing each other better.
If I asked you on any given day could you:
1. Tell me what your spouse was doing that day?
2. Tell me what he or she is anxious about?
3. Tell me at least one thing which is weighing heavily on her heart?
4. Share with me one frustration they have at the moment?
If we couldn't answer those questions for our spouse then I think we have to say we need to be living life together and knowing each other better.
Sunday, 15 August 2010
Marriage and the cross
I was preaching at a young couples wedding on Friday here's the bare bones of what I said from Ephesians 5. I always find weddings provide a helpful MOT for my marriage and a helpful pointer to the single about what they should look for in a partner and what they can pray for married friends.
Congratulations to you both, at last the big day has arrived and you are Mr and Mrs Martin. Today marks the beginning of your married life together and I want to share some principles for you to base your marriage on.
There are lots of places you could go to for advice or role models of love and marriage; your families, friends, couples in your church family. Or even the media, celebrity couples, or Hollywood films. Some will provide better models than others but all of them are flawed.
The Bible provides us with God’s blueprint for marriage, the passage read to us has its roots in Genesis and the first ever wedding and marriage as God unites man and wife. It is in the Bible that we see the beauty of what marriage was intended to be, and God’s blueprint for marriage at its best in his service.
Ephesians 5 gives 2 key instructions for your marriage, and for all marriages, wives submit to your husbands and husbands love your wives. But it also shows us the pattern for such a marriage.
Marriage is a Copy of God’s masterpiece
Marriage is a picture of Jesus’ love for his church. Love in marriage is not the ultimate expression of love but it gives us a glimpse into how God’s people are loved by Jesus and how they relate to him.
So “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” I wonder what image comes to mind when you heard that, I guess you may have heard no more of the reading than that because it just seems so old fashioned and even a bit sexist. The problem is in our definition of submit, we think of someone being forced into submission, being overpowered, of the wrestler tapping out, it conjures up visions of victor and vanquished, of a wife waiting on her husband.
But not in the Bible, the Bible affirms that men and women, husband and wife are made equal before God, but it says they have different roles. And it calls wives to submit willingly and joyfully to their husbands, just as the church submits to Jesus.
Now submission is a hard thing if you are oppressed, or the person you submit to is an ogre. But notice submission is to a husband who loves his wife as Christ loves the church, and that is what makes submission a joy and a possibility.
Marriage is a Commitment not a feeling
It is hard to imagine today that your marriage will ever be anything but perfect. Rachel looks radiant and Alex hasn’t scrubbed up too badly, and the smiles look pretty permanent.
But can I encourage you to make the most of today. There was a programme some years ago on which a man was interviewed he was asked “Are you romantic?” His answer was quite revealing “Well, I try to be,” he said in his broad Yorkshire accent “but I’m from Yorkshire.” Alex is a Yorkshire lad and my hunch is he won’t always be as romantic as he is today, and I guess it won’t be every morning that so much attention and time is spent on Rachel’s hair and dress.
Not every day in your marriage will be like today. And the Bible recognises that, notice Paul commands the husband to love his wife, just as Christ loved the church. Christ loved the church and gave himself for her when she was not perfect. In fact the Bible tells us Jesus comes into the world to die in the place of his enemies, he gives his life for those who are imperfect because of his love for us. He loves us when we get things wrong, when we fail to think of him as we should, when we fail to give him the priority he deserves, and when we do things our own way.
Today you have committed to love one another in front of all of us. In Hollywood film weddings they say “I do” but actually Hollywood has got it wrong, today you said the right words which were “I will”. It is a promise, a covenant about your future conduct. It is not the immediate I do love them now because I find them attractive, but the concrete promise that I will love them for the rest of my life no matter what, even when they wrong me, or do things that offend me, I will forgive them and love them and treat them by grace.
It is a picture of what Jesus does of his commitment to love us even when we are unlovely, even when we deserve judgement not his love. Love each other like Jesus loves us.
Marriage is Costly
There is one last thing about marriage and the love of a husband for his wife, it is costly, I don’t mean in terms of the credit card bill though that may also be true. (25)”Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...”
The thing that stands out most about Jesus’ love is its cost to himself and its active nature. He left his home all the splendour and worship of heaven, he is joined to his people, and he gives himself for them.
In your marriage the two of you leave your parental home and care and make a new family. Alex you are to love in a way that is self sacrificial, you are to love in a way that is actively seeking Rachel’s greatest good. You are to love in a way that models the love of God in Christ shown to us – love that doesn’t seek his ease and rest but serves the church and brings them to God.
The marriage of two followers of Jesus provides us with a picture of God’s love for us seen in Jesus; a love that is costly, that is committed and that is God’s masterpiece.
It is a love that requires a response, the right response to God’s love is to recognise our rebellion, to believe, repent and live following him. It means changing how we think, how we act in short how we live.
Alex and Rachel the model to follow is not found in Hollywood, or in any earthly marriage but it is found at the cross, it is a love that submits to God’s will, that copies Christ’s example, is committed to loving and costly to self.
Congratulations to you both, at last the big day has arrived and you are Mr and Mrs Martin. Today marks the beginning of your married life together and I want to share some principles for you to base your marriage on.
There are lots of places you could go to for advice or role models of love and marriage; your families, friends, couples in your church family. Or even the media, celebrity couples, or Hollywood films. Some will provide better models than others but all of them are flawed.
The Bible provides us with God’s blueprint for marriage, the passage read to us has its roots in Genesis and the first ever wedding and marriage as God unites man and wife. It is in the Bible that we see the beauty of what marriage was intended to be, and God’s blueprint for marriage at its best in his service.
Ephesians 5 gives 2 key instructions for your marriage, and for all marriages, wives submit to your husbands and husbands love your wives. But it also shows us the pattern for such a marriage.
Marriage is a Copy of God’s masterpiece
Marriage is a picture of Jesus’ love for his church. Love in marriage is not the ultimate expression of love but it gives us a glimpse into how God’s people are loved by Jesus and how they relate to him.
So “Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.” I wonder what image comes to mind when you heard that, I guess you may have heard no more of the reading than that because it just seems so old fashioned and even a bit sexist. The problem is in our definition of submit, we think of someone being forced into submission, being overpowered, of the wrestler tapping out, it conjures up visions of victor and vanquished, of a wife waiting on her husband.
But not in the Bible, the Bible affirms that men and women, husband and wife are made equal before God, but it says they have different roles. And it calls wives to submit willingly and joyfully to their husbands, just as the church submits to Jesus.
Now submission is a hard thing if you are oppressed, or the person you submit to is an ogre. But notice submission is to a husband who loves his wife as Christ loves the church, and that is what makes submission a joy and a possibility.
Marriage is a Commitment not a feeling
It is hard to imagine today that your marriage will ever be anything but perfect. Rachel looks radiant and Alex hasn’t scrubbed up too badly, and the smiles look pretty permanent.
But can I encourage you to make the most of today. There was a programme some years ago on which a man was interviewed he was asked “Are you romantic?” His answer was quite revealing “Well, I try to be,” he said in his broad Yorkshire accent “but I’m from Yorkshire.” Alex is a Yorkshire lad and my hunch is he won’t always be as romantic as he is today, and I guess it won’t be every morning that so much attention and time is spent on Rachel’s hair and dress.
Not every day in your marriage will be like today. And the Bible recognises that, notice Paul commands the husband to love his wife, just as Christ loved the church. Christ loved the church and gave himself for her when she was not perfect. In fact the Bible tells us Jesus comes into the world to die in the place of his enemies, he gives his life for those who are imperfect because of his love for us. He loves us when we get things wrong, when we fail to think of him as we should, when we fail to give him the priority he deserves, and when we do things our own way.
Today you have committed to love one another in front of all of us. In Hollywood film weddings they say “I do” but actually Hollywood has got it wrong, today you said the right words which were “I will”. It is a promise, a covenant about your future conduct. It is not the immediate I do love them now because I find them attractive, but the concrete promise that I will love them for the rest of my life no matter what, even when they wrong me, or do things that offend me, I will forgive them and love them and treat them by grace.
It is a picture of what Jesus does of his commitment to love us even when we are unlovely, even when we deserve judgement not his love. Love each other like Jesus loves us.
Marriage is Costly
There is one last thing about marriage and the love of a husband for his wife, it is costly, I don’t mean in terms of the credit card bill though that may also be true. (25)”Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her...”
The thing that stands out most about Jesus’ love is its cost to himself and its active nature. He left his home all the splendour and worship of heaven, he is joined to his people, and he gives himself for them.
In your marriage the two of you leave your parental home and care and make a new family. Alex you are to love in a way that is self sacrificial, you are to love in a way that is actively seeking Rachel’s greatest good. You are to love in a way that models the love of God in Christ shown to us – love that doesn’t seek his ease and rest but serves the church and brings them to God.
The marriage of two followers of Jesus provides us with a picture of God’s love for us seen in Jesus; a love that is costly, that is committed and that is God’s masterpiece.
It is a love that requires a response, the right response to God’s love is to recognise our rebellion, to believe, repent and live following him. It means changing how we think, how we act in short how we live.
Alex and Rachel the model to follow is not found in Hollywood, or in any earthly marriage but it is found at the cross, it is a love that submits to God’s will, that copies Christ’s example, is committed to loving and costly to self.
Monday, 27 July 2009
Marriage part 2
Whilst continuing to thinking about marriage I was talking with a friend who is preparing a series of Bible studies for Newly Marrieds. I think there are a number of questions couples have:
1. What does a Biblical Marriage look like?
Genesis 2 is a key text for us to look at again and again in our marriages, and in thinking about who to marry. There we see the world God has made and gifted Adam, but we see a fly in the ointment. Adam is "alone", it doesn't mean lonely, it means that there is no suitable helper for him. God graciously allows Adam to discover that problem for himself, to feel the longing and need of one like him. And then he causes Adam to fall into a deep sleep and then God takes one of man’s ribs and makes woman. Adam awakening sees Eve not a threat or rival but one who is capable of fulfilling his longing for a helper because of equality and Adam names her. He bursts forth into a song of praise for the woman God has made for him.
Marriage is not a way of ending loneliness but two equals being united to serve God together. In our world, sick with sin, headship and helper have connotations of dominion and subservience but they do not in Genesis 2 and God's blueprint for marriage! We must not throw out Genesis 2 and the godly order we find there because of the sin sick marriages we see around us. Satan longs to see us settle for less than God's plan in our marriage.
In the book 'Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood' this definition is given: "In the partnership of 2 spiritually equal human beings, man and woman, the man bears the primary responsibility to lead the partnership in a God glorifying direction." I think it is a great definition.
This is reinforced when you read Genesis 3 and realise that Adam stands by as Eve is tempted and takes the fruit and gives it to her. He abdicates his spiritual leadership role and the consequences are disastrous. Men must lead marriage in a God glorifying direction and wives must help, support and encourage them to that end.
2. Is it worth waiting for such a person?
Sometimes you hear people say; 'Yes that's fine but that's the ideal this is the real world, shouldn't I just settle?' The answer the Bible gives is emphatically no! Marriage matters and the Bible is littered with examples of bad marriages, think of Samson, think of Solomon and so on... Your marriage partner significantly impacts your service of God, either you will serve God together as he intended (Gen 2) or always feel pulled in two directions and frustrated.
But actually why would you settle for second best? Why would you accept a pale unsatisfying imitation of what God may have for you?
There may be more questions which I'll come back to later in the week.
1. What does a Biblical Marriage look like?
Genesis 2 is a key text for us to look at again and again in our marriages, and in thinking about who to marry. There we see the world God has made and gifted Adam, but we see a fly in the ointment. Adam is "alone", it doesn't mean lonely, it means that there is no suitable helper for him. God graciously allows Adam to discover that problem for himself, to feel the longing and need of one like him. And then he causes Adam to fall into a deep sleep and then God takes one of man’s ribs and makes woman. Adam awakening sees Eve not a threat or rival but one who is capable of fulfilling his longing for a helper because of equality and Adam names her. He bursts forth into a song of praise for the woman God has made for him.
Marriage is not a way of ending loneliness but two equals being united to serve God together. In our world, sick with sin, headship and helper have connotations of dominion and subservience but they do not in Genesis 2 and God's blueprint for marriage! We must not throw out Genesis 2 and the godly order we find there because of the sin sick marriages we see around us. Satan longs to see us settle for less than God's plan in our marriage.
In the book 'Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood' this definition is given: "In the partnership of 2 spiritually equal human beings, man and woman, the man bears the primary responsibility to lead the partnership in a God glorifying direction." I think it is a great definition.
This is reinforced when you read Genesis 3 and realise that Adam stands by as Eve is tempted and takes the fruit and gives it to her. He abdicates his spiritual leadership role and the consequences are disastrous. Men must lead marriage in a God glorifying direction and wives must help, support and encourage them to that end.
2. Is it worth waiting for such a person?
Sometimes you hear people say; 'Yes that's fine but that's the ideal this is the real world, shouldn't I just settle?' The answer the Bible gives is emphatically no! Marriage matters and the Bible is littered with examples of bad marriages, think of Samson, think of Solomon and so on... Your marriage partner significantly impacts your service of God, either you will serve God together as he intended (Gen 2) or always feel pulled in two directions and frustrated.
But actually why would you settle for second best? Why would you accept a pale unsatisfying imitation of what God may have for you?
There may be more questions which I'll come back to later in the week.
Marriage
I was preaching at a wedding on Friday, whilst I always find preaching on such occassions hard it is always a joy to do. Here are my notes on what was said:
Well it’s finally here! At last it’s happened you are Mr and Mrs. And as you start your life together I just want to remind you of a few principles to live your married life by.
Marriage is God’s design - Genesis 2 paints a fantastic picture of marriage as God intended it to be, Eve as Adam’s helper, working together, leading and helping one another to fulfil God’s role for them in ruling over the earth on his behalf. It is a beautiful image of man and woman enjoying one another, sharing and giving themselves to one another intimately, and serving God together. It is marriage made by God, marriage with a happily ever after. As Genesis 2 closes it is like the scene at the end of a Hollywood or Disney film where the couple ride off into the sunset together.
But that isn’t the world we live in, we know life isn’t like that. And the Bible is just as realistic, it doesn’t end with Genesis 2, and not only does the Bible show us the world as it is now but it also explains why it is like that.
In the very next chapter Adam and Eve decide to ignore the creator’s instructions.
To man I just want to give you some practical advice. When your wife has dragged you round Ikea and you get home and open the box you will find somewhere in there a strange little piece of paper with odd diagrams and words on. It is called an instruction book, it is not unmanly to use it in fact it can be good for your wife’s sanity and your marriage.
Anyway back to Adam and Eve, they decide to throw away God’s instruction book, his explanation of the way the world was built, how to care for it and enjoy it to the fullest. Instead they decide to do it their way, to decide right and wrong for themselves. It is a decision that devastates and disjoints their relationship with the world, each other and God and has done ever since.
It is hard to imagine today that your marriage will ever be anything but perfect. But God would tell us, and remind you, that we are sinners, prone to wanting things our own way, to determining right and wrong for ourselves. You are marrying someone who, like the rest of us, will want to have the world the way they want it, according to their own thinking, who thinks it’s ok to leave the loo seat up, who squeezes the toothpaste from the top, never rinses the shower down after they use it, who decides right and wrong for themselves in their own interest from the small scale to the big.
So what hope is there? Model your marriage on the love of God.
The hope for your marriage, and the rest of us, it is in the love we see in 1 John 4.
God sees the brokenness of the world and is not indifferent to it, he sees the brokenness of the world and is not inactive about it. “he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” God’s love sees him send his Son to sacrificially pay the price for our rebellion to restore our relationship to God.
In your marriage there will be times when you have to forgive each other and that forgiveness will come at a cost. Love one another like God loves you and be willing to meet that cost.
But there is another feature of the love of God, God’s love for us is not based on attraction. God loves us when we are in rebellion against him, when we are still refusing him, it is an act of will. It is a covenantal love.
You have in front of all of us made significant promises today. In Hollywood films they say “I do” to them, but actually Hollywood is wrong, today you said the right words which were “I will”. It is a promise, a covenant about your future conduct. It is not the immediate I do love them now, but the concrete promise that I will love them for the rest of my life no matter what.
A love like that requires a response, the right response to God’s love is to recognise our rebellion, to believe, repent and live following him. It means changing how we think, how we act in short how we live. There will be times in your marriage when you will need to forgive each other, ask forgiveness of each other and live in the light of forgiveness received. Just as God in Christ forgave you.
As you start married life resolve to live in the light of the grace you have received in Christ. Live your married life to serve God, not just in your work, but in your marriage as you serve one another, as you show grace to one another, as others see Christ’s love and care for his people modelled in the way you love and give sacrificially one to the other.
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”
Well it’s finally here! At last it’s happened you are Mr and Mrs. And as you start your life together I just want to remind you of a few principles to live your married life by.
Marriage is God’s design - Genesis 2 paints a fantastic picture of marriage as God intended it to be, Eve as Adam’s helper, working together, leading and helping one another to fulfil God’s role for them in ruling over the earth on his behalf. It is a beautiful image of man and woman enjoying one another, sharing and giving themselves to one another intimately, and serving God together. It is marriage made by God, marriage with a happily ever after. As Genesis 2 closes it is like the scene at the end of a Hollywood or Disney film where the couple ride off into the sunset together.
But that isn’t the world we live in, we know life isn’t like that. And the Bible is just as realistic, it doesn’t end with Genesis 2, and not only does the Bible show us the world as it is now but it also explains why it is like that.
In the very next chapter Adam and Eve decide to ignore the creator’s instructions.
To man I just want to give you some practical advice. When your wife has dragged you round Ikea and you get home and open the box you will find somewhere in there a strange little piece of paper with odd diagrams and words on. It is called an instruction book, it is not unmanly to use it in fact it can be good for your wife’s sanity and your marriage.
Anyway back to Adam and Eve, they decide to throw away God’s instruction book, his explanation of the way the world was built, how to care for it and enjoy it to the fullest. Instead they decide to do it their way, to decide right and wrong for themselves. It is a decision that devastates and disjoints their relationship with the world, each other and God and has done ever since.
It is hard to imagine today that your marriage will ever be anything but perfect. But God would tell us, and remind you, that we are sinners, prone to wanting things our own way, to determining right and wrong for ourselves. You are marrying someone who, like the rest of us, will want to have the world the way they want it, according to their own thinking, who thinks it’s ok to leave the loo seat up, who squeezes the toothpaste from the top, never rinses the shower down after they use it, who decides right and wrong for themselves in their own interest from the small scale to the big.
So what hope is there? Model your marriage on the love of God.
The hope for your marriage, and the rest of us, it is in the love we see in 1 John 4.
God sees the brokenness of the world and is not indifferent to it, he sees the brokenness of the world and is not inactive about it. “he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” God’s love sees him send his Son to sacrificially pay the price for our rebellion to restore our relationship to God.
In your marriage there will be times when you have to forgive each other and that forgiveness will come at a cost. Love one another like God loves you and be willing to meet that cost.
But there is another feature of the love of God, God’s love for us is not based on attraction. God loves us when we are in rebellion against him, when we are still refusing him, it is an act of will. It is a covenantal love.
You have in front of all of us made significant promises today. In Hollywood films they say “I do” to them, but actually Hollywood is wrong, today you said the right words which were “I will”. It is a promise, a covenant about your future conduct. It is not the immediate I do love them now, but the concrete promise that I will love them for the rest of my life no matter what.
A love like that requires a response, the right response to God’s love is to recognise our rebellion, to believe, repent and live following him. It means changing how we think, how we act in short how we live. There will be times in your marriage when you will need to forgive each other, ask forgiveness of each other and live in the light of forgiveness received. Just as God in Christ forgave you.
As you start married life resolve to live in the light of the grace you have received in Christ. Live your married life to serve God, not just in your work, but in your marriage as you serve one another, as you show grace to one another, as others see Christ’s love and care for his people modelled in the way you love and give sacrificially one to the other.
“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.”
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