Walking with rather than talking at

I often want to be able to solve a problem quickly.  That's fine when it comes to DIY or even a simple admin job, but it is awful, destructive, and sinful when applied to people.  Part of the problem I think is absorbed from our culture of the quick fix, the instant remedy.  Part of it comes from wanting to remove pain and discomfort from the lives of those I care about.  Another part of it comes from wanting to be thought well of, wanting to be 'successful' in pastoring people, maybe even having something to dow with measurable goals or feeling like a job is finished.  And yet the Bible does not give us a steady stream of pat answers to life's problems and pains.  The Bible is not ordered or indexed or searchable in a way that enables us to look up 'd' for depression, 'a' for anxiety, or 's' for solution and we ought to be grateful for that.  Rather what we see is people walking with others through the story of their lives.

Quick answers, half thought through theology, hastily spoken misapplied doctrine is dangerous.  Just think of Job's friends.  They begin well, they sit and observe Job in silence but the problem comes when they speak and provide answers that are half thought through, received tradition misapplied to Job and his situation.  It would have been better if they had kept silent.  Or think of Nehemiah, he hears of a problem, he cares deeply about a problem, he is moved to help and literally moved to care for God's people, but he takes time to pray it through.  Even when he goes to Jerusalem he takes time to survey the walls and the people and live alongside them as he leads them to build first the walls and then a community with God at the centre within the walls.

There is a lot for us to learn from the Bible's walking with rather than talking at approach.  Think of the difference walking with gospel hope alongside a friend struggling with depression and anxiety would make rather than taking at them with quick answers about a situation we have not experienced or whose complexities and pain we don to fully understand.  Think of the difference walking with would make in any given situation of suffering you or those in your church family are facing; childlessness, infertility, loss, grief, unemployment, infirmity, disability and so on.  That is what Jesus did when he became man, he walked with us through suffering, he wept alongside Martha and Mary, he loved and lost and yet brought hope, it's no accident that we find him in the next chapter in their home again.  He walked with them and talked of hope and salvation as he walked.

Offering quick advice is easier but it is not more productive.  Walking with is longer term, it is harder work, it takes more commitment, and is more painful but it is what we are called to because it is what Jesus has done for us.

Simple steps to build gospel capable relationships

I was leading a session at Yorkshire Training yesterday on Everyday Evangelism or living mission depending on your terminology, what struck me as we looked at life and making connections between people and the gospel was how hard we find it to build friendships.

It is easy to be too busy to know anyone outside of the church as anything other than an acquaintance or work colleague.  A friend is someone who we do life deeply with, with whom we can relax and be ourselves, who we are committed to, who we will not turn away from.  Increasingly it seems that we aren't sure how to build friendships, or how to get to know people in anyway that is significant.

I shared 9 simple things yesterday that facilitate us building relationships from first meeting someone right through to building life long friendships.  They aren't steps as in you move from one to another, but they are things that ought to mark us out:

Smile
Simply put a smile says you are approachable and welcoming, it also signals a pleasure in seeing someone.

Make eye contact
Eye contact conveys an interest, a seeing of the person, that they have our attention.

Give people your undivided attention
Mobile phones they have off switches, or a text or phone call can be ignored.  Answering it or social grazing (texting or viewing Facebook or twitter while in a conversation) conveys a sense of disinterest and distractedness.  It doesn't convey welcome or invite commitment.

Get over yourself and be genuinely interested in others
Want to know about people, ask about them, pray that God would help you love others and want to know them not be absorbed in yourself.

Give honest sincere appreciation
Respond and be responsive to what they share with you.  Look for ways to encourage and build up and show that you value and appreciate the person.

Don’t criticise, condemn or complain
We live in a culture that is all about tearing down, or about building ourselves up by making us seem good in comparison to others.  That does not build good friendships, it makes us fearful to entrust ourselves to someone who may in turn criticise, complain or condemn us to others.

Remember names – it matters
It's a simple thing but it really matters.  It makes people feel welcomed and cared for.  Find a way to do it.

Be a good listener
Interact as you listen, practise questions that develop conversations, think about your body language does it convey that you are listening.

Talk about their interests not yours
Don't make the conversation about you and your interests, show that you care by asking about them and their interests.

This list isn't exhaustive but it is helpful for all our friendships.  I can't help thinking that in our increasingly fragmented lonely society that if Christians related to people like this we would stand out as those who love and are committed to others

An evangelistic strategy that works

Here it is; invite your friends to come to church.  That's it you say, that's not new!  There's no revolution, no steps, no technique.  How does that help me?  That is exactly why it helps you and it works.

If you want proof of that you ask those visitors who come along to church why they are there and the vast majority will say that they were invited by a friend.  All our flyer-ing and advertising and so on does have an impact sometimes but by far the most successful thing is simply inviting your friends and colleagues to come along.

We've given out hundreds of invites to things over the years, promoted services at Toddlers or football or at all manner of other things.  But by far the most successful thing is personal invitations to friends to come along to church.  Most often it takes a person to bring a person to a personal God.

So who are you inviting this Sunday to come along and hear about Jesus?

1 Samuel 20

Here are the notes and questions from Sunday's LightHouse:

Over the last few chapters we have seen that David is God’s anointed king and God is at work to ensure that he comes to the throne despite the opposition of Saul. But David isn’t immune from hardship and struggles but he is protected in the midst of them. That protection by God has come in various forms, dodging Saul’s unusually off target spears, military victories against the odds, Jonathan’s passionate defence plea, Michal’s lies and cover up using an idol, and God’s direct intervention as Saul’s posse all prophesy before Saul himself prophesies. But David is not safe yet, as ch20 opens David is still on the run from Saul.

So where he runs to is a bit of a surprise in one sense. As he flees Naioth you’d expect him to get away, get far away from Saul and his family. But David runs to Jonathan. But in another sense if we know the story it is not a surprise because we know the friendship and covenant between the two. This passage shows us the marks of covenant friendship and the hearts of two men on fire for God.

The faithfulness of a covenant friend seeks out sin (1-10).
Back in 18:1-5 Jonathan recognises David as God’s anointed king and enters into a covenant with him. They are kindred spirits, both love and are devoted to God and his kingdom, both have fought for it, both have risked for it, both live by faith and that unites them, that shared passion for God’s name, glory and kingdom. It is no surprise that David goes back to Jonathan.

What is a surprise is what David ask Jonathan, he wants to know what he has done to deserve Saul’s animosity, has he sinned that he is under pain of death(1-2, 8). Jonathan says that he has done nothing and that his father doesn’t want to kill David, the last Jonathan knew was 19v6-7 where Saul and David were reconciled after Jonathan’s mediation. So he undertakes to find out what has happened.

What binds David and Jonathan is a covenant, a solemn binding agreement built on love and lives lived for God and his kingdom. David can come confidently to Jonathan because his friend will treat him with “kindness”, that word is ‘hesed’ it means a loyal love, a devotion to the good of a friend. Their friendship is not flaky, its not changeable, it is committed, it is reliable, and it is focused on the heart. It is not about appearance but about reality. So David exhorts Jonathan to find out if he has sinned(8), and Jonathan agrees to do so(9).

What strikes you here is firstly David’s concern that he has sinned. How do we react when someone treats us wrongly? Do we assume it may be because of sin on our part or because of sin on theirs? When a relationship breaks down do we examine ourselves or quickly shift the blame onto others? Do we act indignant or are we concerned to find out if we have sinned without knowing it?

David could have reacted proudly and simply left, but he is concerned to see the relationship repaired is he has caused the breach. He will not let pride stop him and so he goes to Jonathan and asks him to examine the situation and determine the wrong. He lays his heart open to Jonathan’s scrutiny.

The faithfulness of a covenant friend exposes sin. It means we will be willing to invite another to examine our lives, our hearts and our motives. At the very least this should apply to our marriages, but it also ought to apply to our friendships in Christ, not every relationship will be able to take this weight, but we need some that go this deep. Where we can entrust ourselves and ask others to examine us because we know they are for us, they are loyal and faithful and love God’s kingdom.

Faithful friendship strengthens others in God (11-17)
Jonathan now takes the initiative, he acts and plans and trusts God. He undertakes to discover what is wrong, if David has sinned and if he is in danger. But he does so much more than that he strengthens David’s trust in God.

(13-16)Jonathan trusts God’s word to David; he trusts that God is with David, that David will become king, that David’s enemies will be cut off by God – even if one of them is his father, and asks David as king elect to treat him and his family with ‘hesed’ when he is king – not if!

That is faithful friendship; that is friendship like Gods. (17)Ends by telling us why Jonathan showed such friendship to David, because he loved him as he loved himself. Again remember 1 Samuel is a former prophet book – each event looks back to the law. Here Jonathan is fulfilling the law, showing us what a faithful Israelite looks like. Leviticus 19:18 “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbour as yourself. I am the LORD.” Jonathan is a faithful Israelite treating David as he should, as God would. Showing him kindness just as God is kind, and love just as God loves.

This sort of friendship is founded in faith, it is counter cultural. Culture would have Jonathan wipe out a threat to his kingship, cultural wisdom would have David wipe out Jonathans family when he comes to the throne so there is no one for any opposition to rally round with a legitimate claim to the throne. But faith in God, a concern for God’s kingdom, covenantal faithfulness conquers culture.

Covenant commitment ought to mark our friendships with other believers and our commitment to church. A love for one another than is committed, that is determined to resolve, to reconcile, to forgive, to repent readily rather than sulk in pride. That is determined to help one another expose sin but also to deliberately strengthen one another’s faith in God. That is counter cultural – our cultures idea of love is liquid, it comes and goes, it is no more permanent that a sandcastle on a beach. But our friendship with one another in faith is to be of a different nature all together. People from outside the church should look at the church and marvel at our love for and commitment to one another. Our service and practical care for one another, our willingness to forgive, our grace filled words, our love for one another even when we disagree should be amazing the watching world. David and Jonathan don’t jack it in when it gets hard. Their love and friendship is just like God’s. And it is aimed at strengthening one another’s trust in and living for God and his kingdom.

A Faithfulness the world can’t understand(24-34)
What did Jonathan dream of as he grew up? What had he been trained for his whole life? What did people ask him if he was looking forward to? Being king of Israel. Yet what is amazing is that he is prepared to give it all up for God’s kingdom. Jonathan is not all words, he acts too. He goes to the feast and observes his dad, and faces the fury of his father when he says he has given permission to David not to be there. Then he confronts his Dad’s sin because David has done nothing wrong and yet Saul wants him dead. And Jonathan’s anger (34)is not because his dad threw a spear at him but because of the injustice done to David and Saul’s sin.

Jonathan’s righteous anger is in contrast with Saul’s angry explosion; how can Jonathan choose David over his family, choose David over dynasty. But the issue is that he is not just choosing David, he is choosing God and God’s king and kingdom over his own kingdom. And Saul cannot understand how Jonathan can give up.

Jonathan seeks God’s kingdom and that liberates him to give up his rights and his rule. You can’t help but see the parallel with Jesus, who gives up his rights to pursue God’s kingdom, to win us for God’s kingdom. It becomes the pattern of discipleship, seen in Jesus to seek first God’s kingdom, to carry our cross, to deny ourselves. It may be the call to give up a promotion in order to keep on serving in church, in may be a call to not have the things culture says we need in order to be a stay at home mum, it may be a call to give generously rather than live in luxury, it may be a call to be excluded and set apart for our concern for God’s kingdom and his word on marriage or family or faith or salvation, or the call to forgive someone who has hurt us and love those who are opposed to us.

And we are to expect people outside the church not to understand just as Saul didn’t get why Jonathan would give up his kingdom and rights in pursuit of God’s kingdom. We are to expect opposition when we do even from our family as we see here. But we are to be faithful.

A Faithfulness that trusts God for the future(35-42)
David’s words to Jonathan seem a bit incongruous don’t they? He reports everything and David is now on the run, a hunted man. There is great sadness as they part, the tears flow, but there is also a steely faith and confidence in God(42). “Go in peace” is not what you expect Jonathan to say given what he has just told David, but there is peace between David and Jonathan, there is friendship between them because of the covenant and their mutual love for God. They part entrusting one another to God. This peace is not a vague, hopeless, wish for peace and quiet, but a steely eyed sense of right relationship with God and one another even amidst the turmoil. Enjoying God’s favour, seeking God’s kingdom places you at the eye of the storm even as it rages around you.

The future may be bleak but they act now in the light of who they know God to be. The future is in God’s hands Saul will not stop it, David will be king and Jonathan will live in the present in the light of God’s future. As David goes and Jonathan heads back to town to the worlds eyes the future looks uncertain but in David and Jonathan’s hearts God’s kingdom will come and there is no doubt because of God’s character.

They leave having strengthened one another’s faith in God, with their hearts lifted by the reminder of God’s faithfulness, that the kingdom is in God’s hands along with their futures, and there is no safer place for them to be.

Notice that this is not a commiserating friendship, it is not a vague “there, there it will all be ok” friendship. This is a committed covenant friendship based on the character of God, it is a robust friendship, a Godward focused friendship, a kingdom fixated friendship. Trust in God is the glue that binds, the passion that fires this friendship.

There is security in the covenant, the promises made, not to each other but based upon the character of God and one another’s love for God. For us our security is in the new covenant, made in Christ. But it is a security that then is to flow out into our other relationships our friendships of faith. As we show others the committed, sin exposing, faith building, love of God which the world cannot understand, because that is how God in Christ loved us.

1. How is Christian friendship different to the cultures view of friendship? What stops us building those relationships?

2. How many of those things we listed as things which stop us building them are excuses for laziness? How can you practically facilitate the building of such relationships?

3. What other things are you tempted to trust in for security? Why will they fail? How can we better point one another to Jesus and the new covenant as our security?

Bringing comfort

What do you say to someone who is facing difficulties? What do you say to someone who faces surgery? There are a couple of dangers, one is to avoid them altogether because we just don’t know what to say, the other is to swamp them and talk about nothing else but whatever is it that they are facing.

So actually how do we bring comfort.

1. The first is proactive; Spend time with people – build relationships now so you have relationships that can bring comfort then.
2. Spend time with people in crisis.
3. Don’t say ‘It’ll be alright’ or I’m sure it will be fine’. They don’t know that and neither do you and it is a vague wish without foundation.
4. By contrast our comfort is ultimately found in Christ, his forgiveness and resurrection, the future is secured.
5. Christ will make up for every loss that we have endured here.
6. God works all things for our good. It may be not be good, but he will work it for our good. Though often people can’t see it then, sometimes it takes 10 years or more. Don’t expect your friend to feel it emotionally as they go through hardships, they will be raw and in pain.
7. Don’t rebuke them and then preach these truths to them. Instead model hope for them – keep reading the Bible for yourself so that you know those comforts we have spoken of above, and ensure that as you comfort your brother or sister weeping with them, holding their hand, feeling with them that you show them hope.
8. Sometimes when someone is suffering they will question God, they may express anger with God, they may say they feel cut off from God and the temptation we face is to want to correct them theologically. Let those words go, in Job there are words for the wind, that need to be left.
9. Pray for God to heal them but also pray for their spiritual health, that they would know God with them comforting them and helping them through you and others.
10. Don’t idolise the world, but live for eternity. (Phil 3) Learn this for yourself and model it for them.

The Tragic Pattern of Christian Life v The Biblical Pattern

Bill Hybels in his book 'Just walk across the Room' plots a graph which in his experience chartsthe declining contact the believer has with non-believers as they go on in their faith. I've included my adapted version from my own experiences and conversations with Christians.

It takes into account the difference between a friend - someone you choose to spend your spare time with - and a colleague or acquaintance - someone you are forced to sit next to or work in the same office with.

There are a number of reasons for the decline in contact with non-believers. For some it is that they see friends come to faith, for most it is that they become too involved in church things and therefore have no time for those outside the church. For some it is simply a lack of effort, they are neither particularly serving or the church or involved in the world. (Kind of makes you wonder how effective the church would be if TV had never been invented!!!) For others this decline is a result of poor teaching or understanding of the Bible which leads them to separate themselves and isolate themselves from the unbelieving world.

Last night we were looking at a more Biblical Christian Life Experience. As we grow in maturity
and in our faith we should increasingly love people, both those in the church and those outside the church. This should arrest the decline in our contact with non-believers, in fact it should compel us to seek the lost, just as Christ did. As you read the gospels, especially Luke you cannot but be struck by the way Jesus goes out of his way to engage with people and build friendships. And they are not evangelistic projects they are people he loves.

The chart recognises that there will be fluctuations in the number of friends we have (remember the definition of a friend above) due to seasons within our life. When you have young children mums in particularly have a great opportunity to build friendships and spend time with other young mums. Its one reason why I'd encourage believing mums to think carefully about going back to work full time - you will never have the opportunity such 'play dates' brings again. When you move to a new area you need to start again building friendships, there will be times when friends move away -last year we saw two families we were friends with emigrate. The challenge is to start building new friendships.

But building friendships isn't enough we also need to be introducing our non-believing friends to our believing friends. Why not hold a 50:50 meal and invite friends from both together, make introductions and see what happens. Too often we segregate our lives, its as if we move from work pod to neighbourhood pod to church pod, and the pods never converge. The gospel again challenges that what is Levi's first reaction when called to follow Jesus, he gets his new friends to meet his old friends. Because the gospel community is the best argument for the gospel there is.

The Gospel community

Sometimes God hammers home lessons by simply putting it across our path at every turn. Yesterday lunch time I was involved in an interesting discussion about community and how the gospel at work in church communities is attractive to the outsider. Then in the afternoon as we looked at passages we had prepared a number of times the theme of community came out again and again. It is there in Colossians 2:1-5 which I am preparing for Sunday as Paul struggles with all Christ's energy for the community of grace at Colossae and warns them of dangers they face.

Then yesterday evening in another meeting community was again the focus as we looked at Acts 20 and Paul's parting words to the Ephesian elders warning them to protect the community of grace and love and shepherd the flock. Then ended the day by reading Isaiah 65 where the picture is of a redeemed community, of the gospel community fully realised.

This morning I read the following on Tim Chester's blog about the rhythms of a missional church and what it looks like in practice for them:

"B. We bless - Each week we aspire to bless others in our Christian community and local neighbourhood in word, action or gift at least three times.
L. We listen - Each week we aspire to listen to God, looking for him to guide us through his word and Spirit. And we listen to people around us to understand their stories and the story of our culture.
E. We eat - Each week we aspire to eat or have a drink with people outside our immediate family at least three times, offering friendship and community.
S. We speak -Each week we aspire to tell people the story of Jesus and our story of Jesus, making Jesus a normal part of our conversations. And we speak to God through prayer, recognising our dependence on him in all things.
S. We sabbath - Each week we aspire to spend time in rest, praise, play, partying and creativity."

To say we live in a missional community as the church is to misunderstand and mis-speak. If we live in a missional community we only do so when we are in it. No, we are a missional community - whether we are gathered together corporately, on a small scale, or individually. But we need to be calling others to come and experience that community.

Next term we are going to try to hold at least one if not two or three 50:50 meals. Meals where we get friends together to share food and company, where we invite friends we love who know Jesus to spend time with friends we love who don't know Jesus. Why? Because as people see the gospel at work in our relationships they will see what a difference the cross makes and that we are not just odd and alone, but that Christ is the answer to every ones need.

Friendship

The challenge to be a friend is one that the Bible plainly lays before us and we can do friendship quite easily but is it Biblical friendship?

Proverbs has much to say about friendship and it is a telling yardstick to measure our friendships against:

17:17 "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity."

27:6 "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses."

27:9 "Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of a friend springs from their heartfelt advice."

Am I a Questionner

Are you good at conversation? I guess many of us feel like we struggle to build new relationships, we know we should go introduce ourselves to others but how do we actually do it?

The first thing is to genuinely care about people, I need to pray and ask God through his Spirit and for the glory of his Son to enable me to love and see people as he sees them not as I see them. I also need to pray that he will remind me that rejection is not failure, refusing to try to build relationships is.

Everyday we are surrounded by people we could build relationships with. The person who is always on the same bus as us, the lady who always serves us in the paper shop, why not ask them how their day was? begin building a bridge. The neighbour who walks the same way we do to pick up his or her kids from school, why not head out the same time and ask how the weekend was? Or how school is going? Just show that you are interested and genuinely listen to their responses.

It is interesting in reading the gospels you notice that Jesus uses a lot of questions with people to engage them in dialogue, in fact at times you wonder if they wished he would just give them a straight answer, after all he already knew it. But Jesus questions, I think, to build relationships.

A growing trend?

I'm reading Bill Hybels Just walk across the Room: Simple steps pointing people to faith. It is well worth a read and encourages us to simply engage and care for people in need of the gospel.

However, he makes an observation which I find greatly worrying. His observation is that the longer people are Christians the fewer evangelistic conversations they engage in and the fewer friends they have to share their faith with. We may have contacts but we stop building friendships with those who do not share our faith. This means that actually we are opting out of the great commission.

It is worth us asking some questions of ourselves: How many friends do I have with whom I could share the gospel right now? How many friends do I have who do not share my belief in Jesus as Saviour and Lord? How many friendships am I actively building? What is stopping me investing time in these relationships? How can I change that? Am I bothered enough about the lost to want to change?

How we view life?

Do you have a sacred secular divide? We all instantly say no, but how do you answer the following questions?

1. Have any of your work colleagues ever been into your home for a meal?
2. Have any of your work colleagues ever been into your home for a meal with friends from church?
3. How about your friends?
4. Do I talk about church, the church family, the Bible and Jesus as part of my every day conversations with my work colleagues and my friends?
5. Do you pray as regularly about your witness and issues you face at work as you do about other things?
6. In church is news from the canteen, or staff room as valued as news from the mission field?
7. How do I think of my work/daily life? Is it something I just do or is it a way of serving God?
8. Do I see myself as a missionary to my work place, gym, club?

If the answer to any of those questions is no then we have a sacred secular divide in the way we live. The Bible says that is not the way to live life. In fact in John 17 Jesus prays that his disciples would be in the world not of it. It is only as people see our faith expressed in all of life, as they get to rub shoulders with the community of faith that they will realise it is not just us, that there are lots of people who believe as we do and that will make them think about the gospel.

Building relationships

I guess most of us struggle to build relationships. The work place is not really geared up for friendship but productivity and many of us seem to have lost that easy ability we had as children just to chat to someone.

So how can we go about building friendships? Mark Greene says "Find a way to bless people that opens up conversations - bring chocolate biscuits to work 1 day a week; pass on a press cutting about a topic you know they're interested in; think about the issues in their life and perhaps offer a good book on the topic; start a reading group; invite people to a party...; invite them to something you enjoy doing."

Some of those we may feel more comfortable with than others so why not find one that suits and do it. You never know where it may lead.