Book Review: The life you never expected; thriving while parenting special needs children

Andrew and Rachel Wilson's book is well worth reading for anyone who is part of a church family where there are children full stop.  It is worth reading for all of us because we live in a world where there are children with Special Educational Needs and for so many of us we lack an understanding of what life is like both for the child and the parents and this impacts the expectations we have of them and the way we react to them.

The authors are clear about what the book is not from the off.  It is not a how to book, it is not a book that claims to have all the answers, or to provide universal solutions. Rather it takes us on their journey from the initial shock and grief of diagnosis to dealing with constantly shifting expectations, reactions, and progress or regression of their children.  However, one mustn't pigeon hole this book as only for those with SEN children, it has insights to provide for all who suffer or walk through suffering with those who do, and a particularly helpful chapter on healing.

The book is easy to read and is helpfully set out in 5 cycles of weeping, worshipping, waiting, witnessing and breathe.  They provide a helpful reminder woven into the very structure often book that life parenting children with SEN is not linear but cyclical.  There is a sense of movement and progress but it is often jerky, frequently sporadic and interspersed with times of feeling like you are back to square one.  One of the most beautiful aspects of the book was the glimpses we get of the care provided for Andrew and Rachel by their extended family and their church family.  There is an openness and honesty about the battles within their own hearts, the struggles of faith, and their fears for the future, but throughout there is a warm love for, and trust in, God our Father.

The church should be the best place to bring up special needs children and this book is a significant first step for us in thinking through how we make that so.

Is there really a connection between godliness and reading?

Let me preface this post by saying that I love reading.  At the moment I have four books on the go ranging from Chris Wright's 'The Mission of God' (an excellent read), through  J I Packer's 'Knowing God', and Dever and Dunlop's 'The Compelling Community' to David Baldacci's 'Split Second'.  That's pretty normal, the heavy book I tend to take slowly, the others I skip through at a fair pace.  And I always have at least one fiction book on the go.  But here's what I want to challenge, the idea that there is a connection between godliness and reading and godliness and literacy.

Now books are tremendously helpful, they stimulate ideas, confront issues, spur us on to change but that doesn't mean that books are the only way to do that.  I can't help wondering sometimes if we pass someone a book, or recommend one to them to buy if we're stingy with our books, rather than challenge or encourage someone face to face.  I wonder sometimes if they are a cheap replacement for vulnerability, openness, and real relationship.  But I'll leave you with that thought because that's not what I have in my cross hairs in this post.

Here's my problem with conflating reading with godliness or a stimulus to godliness.  What about those who cannot read?  Or who have been put off reading by scarring school experience, or who have dyslexia or other reading barriers?  Are we saying they cannot be godly, or that it will be harder for them to be godly?  What about those who live in parts of the world where books are not readily available?

The advent of the printing press is an historically recent phenomenon, what of the early church and the church between then and the advent of the printing press?  Oral tradition mattered, teaching was passed on by word of mouth and remembered and relayed to others.  Who learnt that teaching so that they could pass it on to others.  I can't help thinking about the enormous benefit that would be to us, because sometimes the welter of new ideas that comes from reading book after book after book means we skip the benefit of properly chewing on and meditating on what we have read.  Anyway that's another
 digression.

Books are a tremendous gift to the church but they are not the barometer of someones godliness.    We need to think long and hard about how we teach truth to those with a non-literary lifestyle, to those for who a book is not an opportunity but a barrier.  Yes we need to address that barrier over time.  But how do we flex and become all things to all men, how do we become as a non-reader to reach the non-reader with the gospel.  How do we adapt our church services to be less reading required but still remain word centred?  How do we change home groups so that we grapple with the word whilst not making those who struggle with words feel awkward and incapable?

Inferno - Not quite what I was expecting

I've just finished reading 'Inferno' by Dan Brown.  As an author I can take or leave him, but as a book lots of my friends were reading and which was supposed to say a lot about hell, at least Dante's version of it, I thought I ought to read it.

Hell is one of those topics about which society has a lot of wrong ideas, but which I also think the church often is a little (sometimes a lot) muddled in its thinking on.  So I thought I'd have a read so I was ready to engage with friends with questions about hell.

Except, despite Dante's version of it featuring heavily, the big idea of the book is not hell at all it is overpopulation.  Overpopulation is the spectre which hovers like the sword of Damocles over the human race and which the villain of the book seeks to remedy.  I'm not going to give away how - though being a Dan Brown novel its not particularly hard to work out - though there are some interesting twists.  So the book doesn't raise questions about hell but about how bad the world will get if we carry on reproducing as a species as we are - it will become like Dante's hell.  In fact the human race is presented as a plague which will outstrip resources and destroy itself if we carry on as we are.

Thus the key question which drives the story is how you would solve such a problem.  Do we need a modern black death to thin the population?  Would you be prepared to kill half the worlds population in order to save the rest of the world?

There are a few things that we need to know as we engage with friends about this book.  First on a purely practical level in 1979 the world's fertility rate was 6.0, today it is 2.52, overpopulation does not seem to be the problem Brown suggests.  If the current European fertility rate remains unchanged then the continents population will contract from 738 million to 432 million by the end of this century. (Statistics from 'What to Expect When No-Ones Expecting' by Jonathan Last.) 

But what about theologically.  Dan Brown's book takes a purely biological view of humanity, it is just another species slowly evolving on the planet.  That ought to be something we can talk to our friends about, Inferno has too low a view of man,  by contrast the Bible says man is the apex of God's creation, created male and female in God's image.

There is a second thing we can bring into discussion with friends and that is the role God gives to humanity.  In Genesis 1 God gives Adam and Eve the role of royal regents over his creation.  They are to care for it, to rule over it, not in an abusive way but with direct authority from God, for his glory not their own greed.  So actually as Christians we want to care for the world, we want to care for humanity, we will take threats seriously because God calls us to.  Why is the world such a mess, because of the all infecting nature of sin (Gen 3) which means we selfishly get what we want from the world and from other people.

But most importantly as Christians we know that sustaining this world however it may be done is not enough.  One day the world will end, not due to overpopulation, but because Jesus will come and we need to be ready for his return.

Whilst Inferno didn't deliver the expected discussions on hell, I am hoping and praying it does deliver discussion about humanity, our nature, our future, and our hope.

The Good God

How do you think of the Trinity?  What difference does your understanding of the Trinity make to the way you live?

There are a number of good books around which look at the key doctrine of the Trinity, but I am half way through Mike Reeves book 'The Good God' and I have to say it is the best book I have read so far.  It brilliantly looks at how the very nature of God as Father, Son and Holy Spirit is integral to creation and everything else in the universe.  The relational (trinitarian) nature of God explains why he creates, why he saves, how he saves and what we are redeemed for.

This book is theologically heavy in terms of the truths it looks at but is easy to read and understand.  The books aim is not just to make us more theologically knowledgeable but to show us how to enjoy Father, Son and Spirit.  Whilst I haven't finished it yet it is fast shaping up to be my must buy book of 2012.

Fruitful Leaders

One of the big bottlenecks in the growth of anything is leadership.  The church needs leaders but where do we get them from, how do we grow them, what ought to we teach them?  It was thinking about questions such as these that lead me to buy and start reading 'Fruitful Leaders' by Marcus Honeysett.  I'm 4 chapters in so far and really enjoying it though I do have a number of questions about it.

The book starts off by reminding us of the love of God for the church.  He also reminds us that churches are communities for making disciples who impact the world with the good news of God's grace.  Marcus then moves on to look at what Spiritual Leadership is (servanthood among God's people whose goal is for Jesus sake) and how we can clear, dig and nurture leaders in the church.  Chapter 4 then turns to asking key questions of those in spiritual leadership because we can't nurture other leaders unless we ourselves are being fed and nourished by God and increasingly desire God.  Appendix 1 with its questions for self examination are absolutely brilliant and very thought provoking, it would be well worth using them for a time of reflection as an eldership or PCC.

However, I'm left with a few question so far.  Fundamental to Marcus book is the belief that God gives us leaders in our congregations because God wants to us our churches.  But interestingly I don't see this model happening - normally we get leaders from outside of our existing congregations.  And increasingly in the UK, as I've blogged before, Christianity is strong in university towns and cities and weak in other parts of the country.  This also applies to potential leaders - university churches often have a wealth of potential leaders whilst churches in other towns are struggling.

The answer is for us to be reaching the lost and from those we see come to Christ developing new leaders.  But I wonder if hand in hand with that we need a missionary mentality from our well resourced and potential leadership rich churches.  A mentality that trains leaders specifically to send to towns and churches which have fewer potential leaders.

Marcus' book is well worth reading for a local church.  We need to be developing and resourcing leaders.  But I think nationally and certainly regionally we need to be looking at leadership as wider than our own congregations.

What do you think of me? Why do I care?

This is the title of a new book by Ed Welch. In it he examines the peer pressure we all face but which is felt particularly by teenagers and young adults. In it he seeks to examine why we care and what that can lead to, as well as applying the bible's liberating truth to these everyday struggles. That freedom comes only when we understand who God is and who we are in relationship with him.

Receommended Book

Whilst Lucy and I are together re-starting the E 100 Bible reading challenge, alongside that in the mornings I'm working my through 1 Samuel.  It's one of my favourite historical books in the Old Testament but there are times when its easy to miss the Theological tune in the midst of battles, betrayals, and bad decisions.  For that reason I am using a commentary by Dale Ralph Davis published by Christian Focus alongside my reading, and as usual his book is brilliant it is not dense of difficult but a joy to read and insightful, he also always has an eye to application.

It has to be one of the most readable and enjoyable commentaries, if not books, I've read in a long time.  Well worth buying and reading.

Review: Church Planting is for Wimps by Mike McKinley

This book was strongly recommended to me by a friend so when I saw it on a www.10ofthose.com bookstall at SDCC I grabbed a copy.  In it McKinley shares with us the lessons he has learnt from 4 years of revitalising a church in the US.  McKinley is from the 9 Marks stable and much of what they did bears the imprint of that helpful organisation.

There are 9 chapters:
Intro: Justify your existence
1. Church Planting, slightly preferable to unemployment
2. So, how exactly does one plant a church?
3. One thing is necessary
4. Clearing out the sheaves
5. God always gets his way
6. How to ruin everything
7. No offense, but you're doing everything wrong
8. Redefine extraordinary

For those familiar with nine marks and some of the titles it produces and its emphasis on church membership, expositional bible teaching and so on some of those chapter titles will give you an early indication of what each chapter is about.

I found it to be engagingly written and disarmingly honest, this is not a 'how to' book this is someone sharing honestly and humbly their struggles and all account of plant/revitalising, realising they made mistakes and relaunching or adapting their thinking.  Throughout there are some really helpful lessons which can save us making similar or the same mistakes and Mike's passion for teaching the bible comes across loud and clear.  I just wish this book had come out in 2006 rather than 2010 so I could have had some of these insights before we planted.

So what were the highlights?  The emphasis in the first chapter on not targeting one particular group to reach was in contrast to a lot of other material about planting/revitalising a church.  But helpfully the strategy of focusing on preaching, reading, praying, and singing as being common cross culturally in worship was helpful.

Throughout the book the conviction Mike has that teaching the truth of God's word is the way to build the church stands out, and it needs to be said again and again, as we've discovered as we've gone through 2 Timothy.  The warning he gives planters to give their best energy to preparing and preaching is also vital as so many other things compete for our time.

His honesty in revealing the pressure plant/revitalising placed upon his and Karen's marriage is also honest and humble and ought to serve as a warning for all pastors everywhere not just planters.  The injunction to love your wife more than you love others opinions, and to prioritise her over your own successes needs to said and taken to heart again and again.

But there were two things in this book that I think resonated with me more than any other and which I found encouraging to hear that he had experienced.  Firstly that in the early years he devoted too much time to bringing and welcoming new people into the church instead of in cultivating leaders who would do that work alongside him.  This meant the church was too reliant on him and Karen(his wife).  Instead he advises us to focus on growing a leadership team as the way to grow a healthy church.

Secondly the final chapter is pure gold, it is convicting but worth reading and re-reading.  (I need to be honest here and say that I strongly share Mike's convictions in this area).  He argues that we need to redefine extraordinary, too many planters fall into the trap of the obsession with church size and he says it is killing many planters.  He also argues that we wrongly put pressure on ordinary pastors to do the extraordinary when all of us, bar a few, will do the ordinary faithfully as God calls us to do.  I loved this line "God scatters unimpressive clusters of believers everywhere to extend his saving reign."  He also argues here that a pastors ministry will become exponentially more effective the longer we stay in one place teaching and pastoring those God has given us.  I agree with him that the pressure to be seen to have a "significant" ministry leads many pastors to view ministerial promotion as a necessity rather than committing to one place.

Having said all that I love about the book, I have a couple of reservations about it, but mainly they all flow from one thing.  Mike, and the context he speaks of, is American and therefore the lessons in here need to be adapted to a UK context.  In that great final chapter he talks about ordinary ministers who plant ordinary churches which don't grow above two hundred or so.  That is not ordinary in the UK, especially not in the North of England, ordinary is more likely 50-70 adults rather than hundreds.  Unless we contextualise it it has the potential to demotivate and leave UK planters and pastors feeling less than ordinary let alone extraordinary.

We also need to think about the different cultural factors which come into play in the UK which must impact how we apply these lessons.  What are the implications for rural settings, specifically lots of small villages?  How do we think about overcoming not just the language but the class barrier, the literacy barrier, the negative experiences people have of church and so on?  I loved the idea of revitalising a dying church as a 2 for one deal - removing a bad witness and replacing it with a good gospel witness, but churches in the UK are closing faster than we would be able to revitalise them so how do we decide strategically which to revitalise?

Church Planting is for wimps is well worth a read for its honesty and insights into the joys, dangers and potential in plant/revitalising churches and for the way it makes us think about the task, the might of our God, the wonder of our salvation and the power of the gospel as it is taught.

What did you Expect?

I'm on chapter 2 of this fantastic book on marriage and in that chapter Tripp really gets down to principles, his basic premise is that what enables and sustains a marriage of love, unity and understanding is daily worship of God as creator, sovereign and saviour.  In fact it is only that which will lead us to value and praise God for what he has made our spouse to be, how he has blessed us by giving us a spouse who has a different way of looking at the world, and for the calling to be part of working the gospel of Jesus into one another's sinful lives.

Brilliant and so insightful when you reverse that.  So often in our marriages we do the opposite, we wish our spouses were differently wired, or thought the same way as us about things, or did not struggle with that sin, or were as righteous as us (Pharisee alert!!!).  But that means we are not worshipping God and praising him for our spouse but are questioning God's creation, his sovereignty and abdicating the grace-bearing aspect of our marriages.

What did you Expect?

Having just finished 'Everyday Church' by Timmis and Chester I'm now starting 'What did you Expect?' by Paul Tripp, I was lent this book recently and having read the first chapter decided it was so good I wanted a copy for reference purposes.  Tripp's emphasis is the need for our marriages to be based on grace.  The book is based around 6 commitments:

1. We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness
2. We will make growth and change our daily agenda
3. We will work together to build a sturdy bond of trust
4. We will commit to building a relationship of love
5. We will deal with our differences with appreciation and grace
6. We will work to protect our marriage

These things are important because we live out our marriage in the midst of a fallen world, because we are sinners married to a sinner, and because God is faithful, powerful,willing and delights to transform us by his grace.

Brilliant review

Many of you will have heard of "Love Wins" the controversial book by Rob Bell, don't read it as its a waste of time, but do read this: http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/kevindeyoung/files/2011/03/LoveWinsReview.pdf Its DeYoung's review of the book and though very long (21 pages) it dissects the book and highlights its significant dangers and mis-teachings.

A Praying Life for free

One of the best books I've read for ages is 'A Praying Life'.  Well now you can get it for free if you go to amazon and download the kindle version; .  But you say I haven't got kindle!  Click here Well you can download a kindle reader for your laptop or phone for free too!

It is a great book on prayer and one which I plan to re-read every 6 months or so.  Its free so why not read it!

Kings Cross

I have really enjoyed all of Tim Keller's previous books and have just started reading 'King's Cross' in which Keller works through Marks gospel, as usual it is a mix of insightful comment on scripture helping me see patterns and things I had not seen before but also helpful lines on linking the gospel into our culture.

I think that is what I find most helpful about Keller's books they make me sit and think about our culture and how it works, where it fails, what false assumptions it bases its thinking on, where such thinking fails and can be exposed and how the gospel is the antidote to that.

Does Love win?

Rob Bell has published a new book (he is well known for the Nooma videos and other books such as Velvet Elvis), its called 'Love Wins' and it has provoked a storm of publicity both good and bad, and I am troubled by much of what I have read about it. I have yet to read the book itself but Dave Bish has and you can find his thoughts here.

Cross Talk

Having finished Scandalous and almost finished How People Change this week I've started reading a book by Michael Emlett called CrossTalk (I've got a link to it in my a-store if you click on the link to the right). CrossTalk is designed to help us apply the bible faithfully and accurately to one another's lives. Emlet does this by giving us tools to understand the bible and how it connects with everyday situations we our families and friends find ourselves in. There is a brilliant appendix at the end with questions to help us understand ourselves and others and to help us understand the passage and apply it.

I'll blog more as I read it but so far it has been concerned with showing people the change the cross calls them to and powerful wait it liberates them to change using God's word.

Planting for the Gospel

I started reading Graham Beynon latest book yesterday, Planting for the Gospel is about the need and variety of ways to plant churches. I read the first 4 chapters yesterday and was reminded again of the sheer variety of ways to plant, but also of the need to plant churches as a result of our evangelism - be they separate plants or just new congregations of existing plants.

Particularly helpful, I thought, were the two questions which close the first chapter:

1. Can we plant a church in a new area that we do not reach to see the spread of the gospel there?

2. How can we best see gospel growth in our current area - is it through growing a larger church, or planting new churches?

It is great to have something that focuses on Britain and British culture in terms of church planting rather than having to transpose everything from American culture. I'm particularly looking forward to the second part of the book where there are numerous case studies of the different types of plants from across the UK.

Masculine Mandate Ch 12-13

In the last two chapters of the book Phillips looks at men in the church and men in as servants of the Lord. Both chapters are soldily grounded in the bible and draw out helpful principles for practical application.

Phillips is very strong on encouraging men to lead in the church, and while I would not agree with his contention that the deaconate is masculine, though this is not the place to side track onto such issues. The overall tone and call of the chapter for men to aspire to the 1 Timothy 3 model of living is much needed, as is his contention that men must work hard at understanding and teaching the word of God to their families, as well as in their churches.

Helpful he also points out that men are called to guard, or keep, the church. In the face of creeping secular trends which will destroy the church and individual believers if they permeate God's people, men must stand up and fight to preserve the church, doctrine and practice. Phillips also addresses another concern that is often raised by those overly anxious about giving too much emphasis to male headship and leadership. He contends that a strong masculine church will also be a strong church for the display and fruitfulness of godly femininity. In other words what women want is men on fire for God, and those men will lovingly guard and cultivate a church culture where women are free to use their gifts and display feminine godliness in all its glory liberated from trying to fill gaps where men have abdicated.

The final chapter is in many ways the most pertinent as it focuses on the call to humble service of Christ where he has called us ans gifted us to serve. Phillips is not afraid to poke at and expose the masculine heart for the nest of envy and pride it is, seen often in our desire for fruitful ministry, or success in worldly terms that gains us status. Having exposed that hornets nest he lovingly examines examples such as John the Baptist, calling men to serve Christ in humility with eyes fixed on Christ's glory and hearing that great 'Well done!' from him on the final day. The masculine mandate is fulfilled when men said to their Lord and Saviour here I am, your servant, help me be faithful to your call by your grace.

The final section of the book provides a couple of questions for reflection for each chapter, some are good some are less helpful. What I feel the book is crying out for is a companion study guide which examine in greater detail the passages each chapter examines to mine its principles from. It would make this book so much more useful with men in our churches. As it is the big question is how do I get this book into the hands of men in our churches, and how do we get them together to discuss it, examine what it says about scripture and apply it to our lives?

Masculine Mandate Ch11

In Chapter 11 Phillips turns to the topic of men and friendship, specifically friendship between Christian men. He takes David and Jonathan as the biblical pattern and explores Jonathan's commitment to David and how he strengthens David's hand in God - in other words Jonathan exhorts and encourages David to faithfulness by reminding him of the character and glory of God. This is the sort of friendship we ought to be building and which will bear life long fruit.

It is a short chapter which is a pit because I think that this area of friendship amongst men that is committed to speaking God's word into one another's lives is increasingly a rarity in our churches. I would love to have seen Phillips draw this out a little more in terms of how we help each other fight sin, how we establish accountability with one another, and how we go about building these friendships.

However what he has to say is a breath of fresh air especially in terms of the way he approaches the friendship of David and Jonathan.

Masculine Mandate Chapter 10

In Chapter Phillips turns to look at the other roll of the father alongside that of discipling, discipline. There is much to commend this chapter - its call on men to discipline their children, its reminder that discipline is loving and we must mirror our heavenly fathers dealings with his children in our dealings with ours, its call to prayer dependence on our Father as we parent. Its call on men not to abdicate discipline to our wives when we are there. The solemn warning in looking at David's fractured and fractious children and the summary statement from 1 Kings 1:6 "His Father had never rebuked him by asking, 'Why do you behave as you do?" and its subsequent results is a warning we need in a culture that looks disapprovingly on discipline.

However, I have grave misgivings about Phillips emphasis on physical punishment of children - i.e. smacking. Using Proverbs 23:13-14, 29:15, and 13:14 as his grounds Phillips argues that we must not spare the rod, but use it to lovingly discipline our children. He asserts that it must be done in a controlled and highly intentional manner, within the bounds of a loving relationship.

I have to say that I struggled with this emphasis - is the proverbs material commanding us to use physical punishment on our children or is it directing us to discipline them. Is the rod literal or like many of the images in proverbs a picture to help us see a principle?

Masculine Mandate Chapter 8

Chapter 8 continues to look at men and marriage and how the mandate to work and keep is fleshed out here. Phillips begins by establishing the biblical weight for man's authority and responsibility to lead in the home, though not done extensively to convince those who questions such a premise it is a useful reminder.

Helpfully he moves on to explore 2 passages in the New Testament which focus on marriage; Ephesians 5 and 1 Peter 3. I found his emphasis on Paul's' command to believing husbands to "love your wives" helpful. A failure to do this is the root of problems - if we love our wives we will sacrificially lead them, to edify and encourage them, to build up her faith and hope in Christ. The believing husbands responsibility is to minister the gospels promises to his wife for her encouragement.

He then explores 1 Peter 3 drawing out 3 commands: live with your wife - not just in the same house, but in community with her. Pay attention to your wife - live with your wife according to knowledge - know what her dreams, fears, frustrations are, know what her day holds. And lastly show her honour - cherish her and show her that you cherish her (I gruff 'she knows' isn't good enough).

But I thought the best part of the chapter came near the end as he explores the 'keep' side of our mandate as it relates to marriage. We are to protect our wives as Christ gave himself for the church. That is not rocker science but I found his application of that a real help - we are to keep our wives safe even from ourselves and our own sin. He gives this quote "I came to realise the man I needed to kill in order to protect my wife is myself as a sinner." We must protect our wives from our own sinful heart that reveals itself in verbal abuse, anger, blaming her rather than taking responsibility, scorn and so on.

It is a chapter that I will be recommending to any future couples in marriage prep.